Life's a bitch, people are mean

the dark moment...

2006-06-05T00:09:00.000-07:00

" i realized that even when we die, we probably dont find out the answers as to why we were ever alive. Even the avowed atheist probably thinks that in death he'll get some answers. i mean, God will be there or there wont be anything at all.

But that's just it, we dont make any discovery at that moment! we merely stop! we pass into non-existence without ever knowing a thing...

I saw the universe, a vision of the sun, the planets, the stars, black night going on forever. And i began to laugh.

Do you realize that?! we'll never know why the hell any of it happened, not even when its over. we're going to die and not even know. We'll never know..
And all this meaninglessness will just go on and on and on and on. and we wont any longer be witnesses to it. We wont have even that little bit of power to give meaning to it in our minds. we'll be just gone...
Dead,dead,dead...without ever knowing."

December 12,2005..I wasnt sure if it was 8 or 9 am. I even had to text classmates earlier to ask the right time. someone confirmed it was 8 am.
The night before, i was pretty normal, burrowing my closet for what i would wear that day. the next morning, i woke up to my cel's alarm at 5:30 but snoozed all the way till 6.
As i readied myself, there werent anything unusual. not even a single clue as to what was about to happen. I took the usual route to school: tricycle,jeepney, MRT and another jeepney bound for UP campus. As the vehicle entered the university avenue, everything was familiar- the Christmas banners, the lanterns in the posts, the sudden coolness of the ambiance...the only thing different was the closed acad oval so we had to take alternative routes.
"darn, bad traffic!", i uttered to myself.
I had to walk from Narra dorm to Romulo hall to get aboard an IKOT jeep. Still, the roads were jammed. When we got in front of the Alumni center, i was contemplating on getting off and just walk but i opted to just wait till we've reached the front of my college
"manong para po!", i alighted a few steps away from the pedestrian lane. There was a red car approaching but still at a relative distance. i quickly checked the other lane- no cars, so i ran..
BAM!!
Next thing i knew, i was lying on the ground, heart panting, body aching, head throbbing..then it struck me...
I got hit by the car...the fucking red car!
I couldnt stand up. numerous thoughts flooded my head: where's the driver? i cant move! where's my other shoe? shet ang daming taong nakatingin, nakakahiya! why is this happening to me?

being a natural nerve-wreck, i struggled to calm myself.the last thing i need is a heart attack. the driver got off and helped me gather myself. i was in so much pain as i made my way to the steps and sat down.
"breathe lei, breathe", i instructed myself.

WHen i got hold of what happened, i checked what was hurting. there were blood in my knees and a big wound in my right elbow. then i touched my head and felt a BIG lump..thats when i started to cry.
"ANG ULO KO! ANG ULO KO!"
I was worried to death..and then all of a sudden, the driver mumbled "tumawid ka pa kasi eh"...half sobbing, half mad, i retaliated "MANONG NAMAN, ang bilis bilis nyong magpatakbo, tumakbo na nga ako para makaiwas, sinundan nyo pa ako!!"

What happened was, when i ran, the stupid driver steeped up the gas even more and swerved to the other lane and hit me. I couldnt remember how and where exactly i was hit because i blacked out. but thank God i wasnt unconcious, otherwise, it would've gotten worse.
suddenly, people started coming to me- our janitor, ate ruby the lady guard, mang leo, sir oskee and a passerby who handed me my eyeglasses, miracoulously unbroken.
I was having another one of those internal panics. i didnt know whether to just brush it all off, come to class as if nothing happened ( i found myself saying " may class pa po ako!"), or dwell on the whole drama of being a "victim".
College people were my angels. they took hold of the drivers's information, called the police, mam Tata called up my parents and calmed me, my friends satrted coming and then i was brought to the infirmary.
Again, so many things occupied my already hurting brain: how the hell was i hit? why am i even hit in the first place? am i gonna be in KULE? will i have some internal hemmorhage? my mom!, she's gonna breakdown when she finds out!the police took forever..

Another thing that hurts somehow is my ego. i have been crossing the street since i was 10, i've been doing it for the past 10 years..how could this possibly happen?
People are gonna think im stupid and its my fault but its NOT.MY.FAULT., never was and never will be. its the driver who's stupid and reckless and thinks he's racing with Montoya in the Formula 1 grand prix or someting..

lesson learned?
> life really is a bitch and people can be REALLY mean...and stupid!
>accidents happen to anyone regardless of age, status etc. even if you think you're an expert on jaywalking or crossing even the deadliest Commonwealth avenue, remember that there will always be reckless drivers who thinks they own the road.

happy birthday to me!

2006-03-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

after eons..finally..i was happy again..genuinely happy..

it was a HAPPY birthday..
i was preoccupied the night before..i kept thinking.."ano kaya mangyayari bukas?"..

and now..im happy..
i felt loved...i felt important..ngayon ko nakita ang mga taong talagang nagmamahal sakin..suddenly i dont need fancy gifts..their mere presence made up for it..they were there..and it was more than enough..

maraming maraming salamat sa inyo!

oh its valentines again..

2006-02-14T04:02:00.000-08:00

araw ng mga puso..chocolate sales are up, restaurants, hotels and motels fully booked, flowers for unreasonably high price...

hay..

hearts are suppose to feel happy today..pero ako..ewan..mixed emotions..

im still depressed with my lolo's death..part of me still refuses to accept that he's gone forever. i miss him already.

im somewhat happy that i get to meet my big family..my aunts and uncles and gazillion cousins..

bitter dahil lonely ang valentines ko..non existent ang love life

weird dahil parang balewala na ako sa kanya..pero okay lang naman kasi yun naman tlaga gusto ko..pero parang hindi ko din naman matiis minsan..kya lang d ko na talaga sya mahal..

tired..ayoko nang isipin pa..mabait naman akong kaibigan eh..pero wag mo lang akong tratuhin na parang basahan..dont treat me like shit..dahil mabait man akong kaibigan, mas masama akong kaaway..3 is always a crowd and now look at you..ur a walking clone of she-who-must-not-be-named..and trust me, its not a compliment..change is good as long as its for the better..and i honestly dont know where ur heading..

pagod na rin ako sa acads..cerebral ang bawat salitang bitawan ni sir..it drags your sanity and your energy down..bawat meeting, dagdag trabaho..its never supposed to be this hard dba?

anxious dahil in 2 months, mapapasama na yata ako sa listahan ng mga unemployed..

proud dahil University scholar ako!

hay

hapi valentines nalang

losing another great man

2006-02-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

it took me 10 years before i finally met him. but even before, we would exchange letters..hoping it would make up for the moments we lost..i love him dearly..no amount of insult or negativities would make that love for him any less..

he was an old school panday, a traveller by heart, a brave soldier..a loving man...i miss him already..it seemed like yesterday that i was with him. talking to him, making him laugh..he sure made me laugh all the time...

but now,no more..i will never hear or see him laugh again..

" mahal na mahal ako ng lolo ko.. i am a lolo's girl...nung nasa Canada pa siya, lagi kaming nagsusulatan..binibigyan nya ako palagi ng pera..tuwing pasko, okay lang kahit malayo ako sa sarili kong pamilya basta kasama ko sila ng lola ko...lagi niya akong nilalambing pag nandun ako sa bicol...

mahal na mahal ko ang lolo ko... kaya lang nagtext ang papa ko kanina...Patay na daw ang lolo ko..."

i would really, REALLY do anything..

2006-01-19T22:43:00.000-08:00

Just Feel Better

I said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If im coming or I'm going
It's not how I planed it
I've got the keys to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason

I don't, I don't, I don't
It goes where I never went before
But this time, this time
I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better
And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have it seasons

Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time
I'm gonna try anything to just feels better

Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better
And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

No point in holding on
To all things I ought to leave behind,
It's really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time!

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better
And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

nursing a bruised ego..

2005-12-21T00:14:00.001-08:00

tangina nabundol ako...AKO? Nabundol!..
bakit?
bakit ako?
bakit hindi yung mga druglord? yung mga kurakot? yung mga murderer? yung mga snatcher. holdaper. akyat-bahay. drug addict. puta. manloloko. two-timer. mangongotong...
bakit hindi yung mga tatanga-tanga?
10 taon..10 taon ako nagsimulang matutong tumawid..10 taon na akong tumatawid at HINDI ako Tatanga-tanga!...
bakit ako?!
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sa mga dumalaw..salamat
sa mga nagdasal..salamat
sa mga iba..salamat sa wala

snippets of thoughts from a twisted mind

2005-11-25T15:10:00.000-08:00

ang weird..its the first time i have ever been to this kind of place. warring, arguing people..some petty, others grave and serious..For the oppressed, its justice or nothing..for the defendant, its all about honor and dignity.. but all these, boils down to one thing..Danyos..money..because every party needs to be remunerated and redeemed..its a place where lies become the truth and the truth becomes a lie..a wicked place..

"i feel nauseous..this place is a room of lies..gusto ko nang pasabugin ang bungo nung crazy woman! i wanna strangle her for all her wretched lies!"

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" this cant possibly go on forever..ayokong dumating sa point na magalit ako sayo pero sa totoo lang, ang sama ng loob ko sayo. i told you we NEEDED to talk pero its either were both busy or you're somewhere else. i waited for you nung monday hoping na maayos to pero d ka dumating..
i know you have a lot going on in your life right now, but you should never let your friends miss out on important details in your life. kung d ko pa tinignan new pics sa fone mo, d ko malalaman na you have a new boyfie..you seem okay pa kahit hindi tayo okay..Fine with me! kilala mo ako, madali akong kausap. i just had to let this out dahil mabigat dalhin sa puso.yun lang..sinabi ko lang para at least, hindi ka totally clueless.. gud day..bye"

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i started the day with lie..dressed up for "school" and went straight to megamall. i was in powerbooks, desperately searching this "damn-i-forgot-the-title-and-author" book..it was i think an hour or a little less of burrowing through stacks of books, clueless as to what i was looking for. i did not even remember how it looked like...i asked a salesgirl " is there any way of knowing a book's availability? but the thing is i forgot the title and author of the book..but i remember it has "dracula" in the title"....the silly girl dragged me to the classics section and showed me Bram Stoker's Dracula..okay so i did mention the word dracula but i said it HAS a word dracula in its title..i didnt say dracula was ITS title......

i figured im better off searching on my own..i was in the fiction section when suddenly i turned my head up and there it was..2 remaining copies of " Dracula in London"..but the irony of it..i didnt buy it..

pauwie arrived..we ate at KFC and i had a dose of Asian Salad i have been craving for forever, watched HP, watched Prime's sneak peek and then she snapped..just like that..

i was at the back of the FX when i turned my head and went "O.MY.GOD!..its him"..a familiar face...a familiar feeling..

and it was such a weird day..
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i woke up early and headed for Camarin..after the exchange of pleasantries and a lengthy meeting, she turned to me and said " sa hangin yan...halika hihipan kita"...i was clueless..and then she sat me on a bench and started blowing the top of my head...she did her rituals...and before i knew it, "tinawas" nya ako..folk medicine..nabati daw ako..

this ugly skin disease, dahil lang nabati ako...i just had to give it the benefit of the doubt..
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distorted and happy,numb but bothered

2005-11-14T02:37:00.000-08:00

happy..

because of Davao. i love Davao and Davao loves me..it was one of the happiest moment of my life..the 32-hour boat ride, Ma. Cristina Falls, Cagayan De oro's choco-filled dunkin donuts, Bukidnon and the pyramid church with an amazing view, kika's bukidnon house, their rotts,the road trip to Davao, the stop overs, Epol Falls, kika's lola's house, the pool, the lechon and hamonados forever, the fancy restaurants, Blugre (but not their durian coffee), Colasa's, Samal island, Paradise Resort, Talicud island (isla Reta), Coral Garden and SNORKELLING!!!!!...

distorted..

because of the greatest disease of my life..this skin allergy that wont go away..the medications, the steroids, the palpitations, the annoying appearance of my skin, the big capsules, stinky lotion..

numb..

because i chose not to make a big deal out of it because i know that if i do, id only end up hurting all the more..just had to let it go

bothered..

because of the usual anxieties that are grandeously entertained by my usual gullible self.

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you're beside me but i cant feel you
you're in front of me but i cant see you
you're there but you're not really THERE
im with you, but you're so far

i miss you, and i just hope you'd know that..
because all i ever want is to tell you how much i miss you

you're at my back..and i might leave you behind..

LIME

2005-10-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

You are calm, but easily stressed out. You get jealous easily, and complain over little things. You can't get stuck into one thing, but you have a capable personality for everyone to trust you and like you.

--this is sooo me...dba?dba?

lei, think endorphins

2005-10-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

yup..endorphins..because endorphins make you happy..and happy people dont just kill themselves...

darn it! sem break has been way,way over due for 3 f-ing weeks...i am supposed to be on my vacation right now. technically, sem break started last oct 1...OCTOBER ONE!!! and today is what?..i dont even have the notion of what day it is....you wanna know why? because for the past week, i have been enclosed in a room..with my 6 crazy, adik! teammates (i love you guys...i know we share the same sentiments), 5 laptops, 7 bunk beds, a CR, no TV, no Radio,no world!...

i did not see the sun for 5 days and when i did, i was so happy..its stupid!...we came out fat (because all we ever did was work and eat and work and eat and work and eat....) but bloodless(no decent sleep)..

but on the brighter side..cramming has never been so much fun...i love my teammates...i would like to commend them!..hehe!

on the dark side again, however..we finished over about 300 pages worth of "redundant" data so we have to edit it again..i mean..WTF!?...they are so not gonna stop until i drop dead...i just hope..no actually, i DEMAND that this would all be worth it, otherwise..i dont know anymore..id probably really go crazy..

how am i suppose to make you understand?

2005-10-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

its suppose to be okay..i thought i was okay with everything already..but why does it haunt me..

trust that i am trying to figure out why im feeling this way.. but this confusion only proves that no matter how confident i am about myself..there is still more about me that i have yet to figure out.

have you ever been left behind?..if not..then you will never know how i feel..

i had to adjust..i had to accept it..but being left behind is hurtful that it sucks!

i was used to having you around...you were one of the best i had and then poof! suddenly you had to go..i hate being alone..i hate it when the ones i love leave me..and you did..and i hate it.

how am i suppose to make you understand the hurt i feel inside...you can never know...you will never know

the greatest man in my life

2005-09-16T02:41:00.000-07:00

why is it that can never get used to this kind of set-up in the family?..my dad was re-assigned in Bicol for god-knows-what reason..it has been almost 2 months and i still hate it!..i wanna burn down digitel's office for that.. i had him beside me all my 20 years of life..i am not used to not having him around..and hello? i am a self confessed daddy's little girl. i love him dearly and it sucks big time that he is not with us right now. the mere 2-day weekend every two weeks with us is never and will never be enough to replace the 20 good years of having him at arm's reach..life is indeed NOT FAIR!

i find myself crying everytime he turns his back to leave..i miss him every single minute..he is the greatest man in my life..i could never want any other dad simply because he's the best in the whole universe..

he is someone who believe not just in what i do but mostly in the things he know i COULD do..he is the most patient person alive..and a true family man willing to sacrifice anything for us.

i just feel bad that there were moments i let pass..there were chances i overlooked..oppurtunities i did not take to show and tell him how much he means to me thinking he will always be there..

sometimes i pinch myself to see if i could wake up from this terrible,terrible nightmare (because that is what it is)..i have somehow imagined how it was like if i leave them but never was i prepared to be the one left behind..

the only thing i want is to have him back with us but clearly, its a matter we have no choice over..so i pray that God may keep him safe..because it is probably all that i can do for the meantime...it sucks that i feel helpless and impotent, not able to do or offer anything to make things better..because they badly need to be better..because we are barely, barely hanging on...

im so excited..and i just cant hide it....

2005-09-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

barely 3 more weeks to go and tapos na ang 1st sem..oh.my.god!..
i cannot believe i have come this far..although its still not really that far..but what the heck! i have survived (okay..ALMOST survived) the first gruesome semester of senior year..yikiiee!!

and moving on with all the other good stuffs..the storm has finally subsided..not the Katrina hurricane but my own hurricane..one thing i have realized though is that..life is short..(duh!, how cliche-y)..seriously..it really is..and you know..this is just me and my usual mood swings (only now, it was a month-long moodiness)...

now everything is okay..(or so i think)..i do hope everything will be okay again because i miss them terribly and they are my friends and i love them..

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"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. "

some forwarded email---
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as for my fieldwork, 2 more houses and whoala! its so over..bwahahaha!!!

the only thing i have to think about now is how to go about a whole bunch of infos and data...im pretty sure its going to drive me mad one way or another..but as always, im up for it! a week of sleepless nights is not really gonna kill you..it will only make you feel groggy and grumpy and to some extent, it might have you run over by a vehicle or something closely resembling a hit-and-run situation because you'll gonna be sleep walking a lot...

o my..im blabbering again..

o well..that's it pancit..ciao

wala akong maisip na title kaya untitled nalang

2005-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

i have never really wanted that much drama in my life..all these mushy-ness is driving me insane..i guess when you are alone, the emptiness gets the best of you and you dont have any choice but to succumb to the feeling of loneliness...and it SUCKS!....and you realize how much your life sucks..and how everything is so shitty..and then you consider yourself as the ampalaya queen for being so bitter about your existence..and then BOOM!...

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just a recent discovery.. i am now officially afraid of thunderstorms..a few days ago, during a lightning and thunderstorm, i found myself shaking and really very nervous of the "thundering"-thunder sound...i dont know...i just figured i hate being jolted by the freakin sound heaven's pinballs.
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we have started our "overnights" a couple of days ago and so far...so good..we've been to three different families and they have all been nice to us. but no matter how hard i wanted to move on with this fieldwork, the first-phase-fiasco seemed to haunt me even in my dreams....

it takes a while to adjust but i am very much willing to do so (mainly because i dont have that much choice..)..and everyday literally holds a new day for me...i just hope i would always have this kind of "accepting-and-dealing-with-it" kinda disposition..

some random blah-blahs..

2005-08-19T00:15:00.000-07:00

as i came across my backstreet stuffs, i was able to get a hold of some interesting notes that is suppose to tell me who i am..

"if your score is 31-40..others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. they see you as clever, gifted or talented, but modest..not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. those who really get to know you realizes it takes a lot to share your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken."

and this is so true!...its freaky but true..
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when asked to create a symbol of what we are in front of God, i drew a caterpillar...a multi-legged caterpillar with purple details (thanks to my purple pen).why a caterpillar?.." i am just a caterpillar in front of God, waiting for God's blessing so i can grow to be a butterfly, having wings to be able to fly to him. with graces provided by Him, i can grow to become a beatiful creature with a good character..."

ang mushy noh? elementary palang ako neto noh!
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which of the scenarios would more likely make me freak out?

d) Buildings- collapse/fire disasters/natural disasters.You are a person who is full of ambitions and creativity. You are veryconcerned about changes in the issue around you. You are also a verytemperamental person. Mood swing tends to be your cup of tea.Love life:You are very easily attracted to the opposite sex (which means that youcan't possibly be a gay if you are a guy and that you can't possibly bea lesbian if you are a gal ... because you just can't possibly resistthe opposite sex!!!)... And the good thing is you are also a "hottarget" among the opposite sex! You can easily attract the opposite sex. (CONGRATS!). Basically a very "Popular" lover. Sometimes you'll justwonder why so many people like to chat with you. A very "PEOPLE"person!

--so the first few lines is true but kinda the opposite when it comes to the love part. although i am very much "straight"(hmmm...really, i am!)..i am so not a popular lover (sounds slutty..eww!)..and i am a "struggling"- people person..hehe!
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EVERYBODY'S CHANGING by Keane

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

keeping the backstreet pride alive!

2005-08-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

its nostalgic..seeing them back with a new album..nyehehehe...

i was rummaging through my trinkets and came across some old doodles and this fabulously funny quatrain i suspectedly wrote during the backstreet-girl-days..

"backstreet boys"

i have an idol, backstreet boys is their name

and they are ready to play any game

they are like angels singing

oh! what a joy they're bringing

it was ended with a HUGE NICK, I LOVE YOU

kadireeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was so laughing hard only to realize i was slowly trailing to the not so distant past...

i was 12, a grade 6 student, making my way through elementary with high hopes of graduating with flying colors.as part of my usual routine, i watched TV and was hooked on MTV when i saw this really corny video of 5 boys dancing almost-breakdance-but-not-quite. and god the song..."get down, get down..and move it all around..(repeat 2x).."...they are the backstreet boys! and they are coming to manila..so what?

i did not like them at first..but their "quit playing games (with my heart)" got me! and the rest is history...

i slowly started saving for teen magazines with BSB (backstreet's acronym) pictures and posters.i started watching MTV and channel V a lot more often. so i can say it was a transition..not an instant fanatic mode..after several superb singles like "i'll never break your heart" and "anywhere for you", i got their album (casette tapes were "in" those days). and then i started recording their videos in our VHS, buying 3R photos in bangketas,putting up posters in my room as well as getting into no-nonsense fights about whether nick carter was gay.

i can even remember clearly, this instance when i was in front of the TV, watching and analyzing the video of "quit playing..", and i was crying...because it was in this alleged video that nick was indeed proven to be gay ( because during the rain scene, he did not take off his polo shirt because he has a woman's breast)..hay grabeng ka jologsan ito!

but it did not end there..

i started organizing fellow BSB fans and formed a clique- the backstreet girls!...and our motto- "keep the backstreet pride alive!" and of course we had rules:

1. we must be a super duper,loyal BSB fan

2. we must, at all time defend BSB from negative issues and the likes

3. we must call each other in our Backstreet Girl codename (codenames that were the backstreet's...mine was "frack") otherwise, we are obliged to pay 1 peso for every "offense"..

4. we must always share news, current informations, articles and pictures about BSB (we have a "backstreet envelope" where we kept those clippings)

5. the backstreet envelope was to be brought home by whoever is assigned for the day.

6. the backstreet journal must always be updated.

7. the more the merrier, so recruit as much fanatics as possible.

there were other ka-cornyhan rules but the worst has yet to come..i was always in a fight with the hanson girls. whenever we pass by each other by the stairs, the usual conversation would be like..

me: hay nako, ang galing galing talaga ng backstreet noh?!

the hanson girls (headed by jane villarez):di hamak na mas magaling ang hanson

me: backstreet!

jane: hanson!

me: BACKSTREET!

and then MTV most wanted became a fad, papahuli ba naman kami?..we actually made a request- a big MTV that has a pop-out request..and spent some for the mailing..but we never really got to see it read on air..

and then..i got hold of the BSB's fan mail address and yes...we wrote some freaking fan mail too!..with pictures of ourselves... and mine was the one where i was in my school uniform, newly bathed and in my background was their two life-sized posters..waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhkekekekekek!!!!!..my letter said: hi im lei, im 12 years old and i am your number one fan...yada,yada..i love you..yada,yada...please write back...

i can now be crowned as the jologs queen! kadire!..but its freaking-nostalgically funny!..those were the jologs/fanatic days...bwahaha!

lei, pilipinas...game ka na ba?

2005-08-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

kris: yes or no,si tom cruise ba ay nanalo na ng oscar award?
lei: umm...yes?
kris: (silence)..im sorry but the correct answer is no..he has been nominated....bye
lei: (waves) bye...

yes folks! that conversation really did transpire yesterday..i was a studio contestant of Game ka na ba?

unfortunately and embarrasingly, i lost.. but what the heck..it was well compensated by chito and the rest of his parokya, juris, jay and ruben of cueshe, miro of stonefree,aga mulach, edu manzano and a whole other bunch of artistas

i was soo nervous but it was such a fun experience. at least hindi lang ako basta dinaanan ng news camera and had my 15 SECONDS of fame..ngayon medyo 15 minutes naman yata..bwahahaha!

sobrang saya..may consolation prize parin naman na 1000 so okay na rin un!...kaya kung ako sa inyo, text na!

-----------------------------------------***-------------------------------------------

senti mode naman..

i know you all find me weird lately..not even wanting to throw a glance and a civil greeting.. but this is me when im hurt..im hurting a lot..you may ask why.. but i myself cannot afford to give a decent excuse..i find it hard to decipher the reason behind this coldness..maybe because something in you, changed..or maybe its the other way around.. i honestly do not know...

you might hate me for this..but thats your choice..i'll leave that to you..the same way that i hold myself responsible for this hibernation..give me some time to figure this thing out...things are changing..even drastically for me.. and it takes so much of getting used to..

if there's something i hate more than uncertainty..its the changes that go with it..

i bruise easily...so be gentle when you handle me!

2005-08-03T03:54:00.000-07:00

i am probably one, if not the most psycho girl alive in the face of planet Earth.There are times when i do, say, feel, act and think abnormally..without excuses..just the acceptance and self-confession.

i dont expect people to be fond of it..i just want them to understand it when its there...i dont want them to make a big deal about it..just let me have that moment...with no rage, no denial, no hysteria..just acceptance of the inevitable..

alongside my "natural phenomenon" is my sensitivity..believe me when i say that i indeed, bruise easily..i hurt a lot..cry a lot..and its all but natural for me..its part of my biological make up..my character..my personality..so people who know me,people who wants to know me and people who does not know me just needs to LEARN IT..LIVE IT..and LOVE IT..

oh.my.god!

2005-07-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

at long last..after what semed like forever..i am able to update this darn blog who went hibernating for the past weeks.

for some action-packed tidbits of my life..you can check my other (friendster) blog..
as for this thinggie here..just some random thoughts..

the first phase of fieldwork had at last concluded..after a traumatic 1st week,the succeeding weeks were equally excruciating. since nobody in the previous meeting volunteered to adopt us, i had to go home everyday. its tiring, its expensive..so sometimes i had to sleep over at princess' house..but its so "dyahe" minsan..

the usual field day would be like:
7:00 am--wake up (sometimes even earlier)
8-9:00 am-- travel time from our house in mandaluyong to commonwealth

* i sometimes actually have to take the bus...the BUS..i use to hate riding buses..even a derailed MRT train would not make me ride a bus to school..but whoala..im now taking the bus...darn.

10:00 am-- we would make our way to the mountains* aka brgy. bagong silangan.

*it literally is mountainous..plus there's a "sapa" that once was so clean that people actually drink from it. but unfortunately now, it turned out to be a mini-garbage-river, in which some crazy, lunatic kids bathe in.

the next few hours would be spent in interviews. sometimes, kind people exist and would offer to feed us lunch but oftentimes, we are left on our own to figure out what to eat (our menu includes tuknene+palamig, or pillows+royal, and a fucking bland pancake.)

our interviews with the elderly can sometimes be funny, especially in the parts where they exhibit early signs of forgetfulness.. even forgetting how many their children are or who comes next after the sister..

it can also be depressing..there were moments that i was close to crying. they have spent 50-60 years of life struggling to live and now that they're old, nothing seemed to change..

some lolas can freak you out..especially when they tell you that they have already had their burial dress washed and ironed. ready to wear anytime..

each lola is different from the next and has a different shade of life. their experiences are so humbling..makes you really appreciate the kind of life that you have now..at the same time, it makes you think past your present life and somehow encourages you to do better in your life..

some of them are scared to die..some wishes for it...but whichever way, it makes you think about your own aging..your own death..because you know it will come..you know its just lurking around the corner, waiting for the right time..

their environment..makes you love your house and your community more..
.....its a whirlwind of experience..and i sure learned a lot from them..

4-5:00 pm--would be the exit-the-community-if-you-dont-want-to-be-nabbed time.

i'll be home at around 6-7:00 pm...

you see..i told you it was tiring...but i do hope in the end, it is all worth it..

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-05-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

that was me, screaming my lungs out over the Amityville movie..

after a tiring day at school, i got to see my bestfriend pauwie whom i havent seen for more than a month. we met up in megamall and had some serious(hehe! seious daw pau oh!) fun..we first grabbed some bites at Wendy's. God they have the biggest drinks ever! and for someone like me who's not allowed to just sip ( i always had to gulp a lot of liquids otherwise i'll end up sinisinok for the next hour or so and this is not a bluff!), its heaven!

we went and saw the movie Amityville...KATCH 'EM, KILL 'EM...it was ringing in my head even upto my sleep. how freaky is that?..and as usual, its a horror flick that got me screaming soooo loud. in all fairness, it was a good scary movie...of course its because i got scared..

after the movie, we did some round ups in some shops and did our neo-print ritual (just gotta have 'em) then headed home. i was uber happy...being around someone as bubbly as her makes everything seem okay. love yah virus! ( i am the germs!)..

but coming home is another different story. my dad has just been re assigned to quezon province for a month. so the house feels weird not having him around. he's someone who honestly dont know how to take care of himself so that fact alone made us all worried. i am a daddy's girl (but i love my mom just the same) so there i was in my room, crying and missing him already. i wondered, how am i ever going to be on my own? was i that scared or i just love them too much?

fieldwork is lurking around and suddenly, im scared of being away from my family, from my friends..from Megamall!..but its not like i have any choice..actually i do have a choice but...i just had to get this over with..

wow..what a quick shift of gear from amytiville to horror fieldwork....stylish!... =P

just a little bit..

2005-05-16T09:20:00.000-07:00

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'll get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'll get there

HAH! exactly the right words that describes what i need. i need to be stronger for PE. although there is only one more meeting to go for each.YEY!

i need to be wiser in doing stuffs, in deciding, in choosing, in thinking, in answering exams and my self-staged quizzes( i got 23/40 in language and 38/40 in general science...this is sort of a refresher for me)

i need to be less needy which is also synonymous to less rantings and "reklamos". now THIS is going to be hard!..

a little bit pretty meaning id have to look less haggard now that PE's over..

i need to be aware of all the latest things going on around the whole universe..kinda going out of my nutshell which is actually my house so that would mean i have to go out a LOT..yey ulit!

and my ultimate-but super elusive- goal in my entire 20 years of existence is to get thinner! i know its not easy. coming from someone who tried virtually EVERYTHING, trust me when i say its NEVER and WILL NEVER be easy. i am not even close to graphically looking thin despite my rigorous/slash/ hellish PEs.

but the question is..where is THERE?..maybe i'll get WHERE?..now that is some kind of a homework..(harder than what i am currently doing- Fano's geometry)

so where the hell am i going anyway? *shrugs*

PE's a Bitch, Professors are mean!

2005-04-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

HAH!!..hail this day for im not the most "kulelat" in my walking....HA!..HA!..HA!.

its so sad (?) that blogs are almost everywhere..makes me confuse which one to update..and duh!, it proliferates vanity and the "i-love-my-own-my-native-land-philippines-my-philippines" attittude...heck, what am i saying?

as usual, im wasted..i walk around school all-sweats, tired with worn out muscles and painful joints.. i can barely climb a jeepney...all because i am such a PE-holic as my newly acquired friend coined. i enrolled in two PE classes this summer NOT because i WANT to but because i HAVE to.

the first one is Walking for fitness at 7 in the morning..so that would mean i wake up everyday at around 4:30 am. (darn!)..chicken na chicken you might say..but NO..its not ur ordinary walking..its walking while swinging your arms and making kembot your hips PLUS you have to complete one round in less than 3 minutes and that ONE round is like 400 meters..and we are required to complete 10 rounds (note: TEN FUCKING ROUNDS in 33 minutes) and for the last few days, i have always been the one left behind..but today..HAH! i was third to the pinaka-kulelat..IMPROVING!..yey!

and then my next hellish plight is my other PE class, Aerodance at 10 am...our prof is kinda high profile considering she's the UP pep coach..which also means she's kinda strict and yells a lot..nagprerog lang ako so im not allowed to be absent...(darn ulit!)..we do all kinds of routines that is guaranteed to work ALL your muscles and make them swell the next day..talk about summer fun ayt?!

hayyy!!!....ewan....gudlak sakin!

i miss my bestfriend....Pauwie!!uwi na!!

DARN! DARN! DARN!

2005-04-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

The last time i updated, i wrote a month's worth of kwentos and guess what..NOTHING appeared!...how effing twisted it that?...now i have to repeat everything...DARN!!!!

my holy week was full of penitensyas..i went to batangas maundy thursday only to ride in an ordinary bus....

WAIT!!!!

this keyboard is fucking twisted as well!....talk about bad luck!...

ill just update this soon...

DARN!!!!

long time,no write

2005-04-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

a happy birthday..yehey!!!

2005-03-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

im twenteen..for like 3 days and im still not used to it..it hadnt been in my system just yet...ho-my!..

so this was how it went..

friday..march 11

i accompanied my brother to the reg office for some infos about cross-registrations.it went well, we were able to get the important dates to remember and all that jazz..

we then went to the college for some GA only to be driven near nuts just because we cant define "residency"..arghhh!!! and all those left people...so annoying!...we spent hours babbling about this and that..and then i cant take it any longer so we had to leave..

and went to yakal to put down some of nessa's stuffs and met this really cute doggie named holly..so cute (which reminds me about the rabbit that i cannot have anymore...i got a fone instead...definitely a LOT better..)

i withdrew some moolah and then *poofff*, we orbed to baywalk...so cool the sunset..and there were cute kids scattered around, preaching the word of God...they were foreigners, canadians and brazilians...ohhh, makes me want to marry a brazilian guy...anyways, back to my story..they made us repeat some prayer..kinda weird for me since i hadnt prayed for like, forever then...

and then i saw the ice cream man..i rushed to him and just when i was about to devour my ice lollies, two motorcycles(one ugly,old,small and one cool,sleek,big) almost bumped into each other had not the other cool-sleek-big avoided the ugly-old-small so as a result, the driver of the cool-sleek-big literally SPARKED! as in the kind you see when you flick a lighter..SPARKED!! we were shocked! it was a good thing the man was wearing a helmet and for some reason, a jacket!...God just loved him i guess..

it was a bit darker since the sun was gone when we strolled and looked for a resto to eat at. we landed at Anthology, the one with midget employees..(i prefer to address them as hobbits..but not in a derogatory way)..ate raquel was the one who tended our needs..really nice hobbit..she greeted me happy birthday..there was a live band and god, toads sounded better when they croak!..we had a good deal of seafoods for dinner..really yummy!...and then we went to eastwood to party and to meet another friend..the manong driver of the cab we rode was so bait..a blabber mouth but he greeted me as well..

we arrived at Mcdo and retouched and then went to see the Dole promo thing where a girl sang chocola-te and the crowd loved her (how weird is that? she looked stupid i swear!)..it took us another hour before we were allowed to come inside our third home-the Basement...there were few people and we had a few drinks before i danced my way to TWENTEEN-DOM...a japanese guy we met greeted me too..and i had fun...despite the tiny disappointment i had with my other friend...

March 12 NA!!!!!

we went home at around 4:30 am and i was tired and slept right away..i woke up at 9 and the first thing i did was to pray and cry...i prayed and cried as i thanked(for the 20 amazing years of my existence), apologized(for my sins equivalent to 20 lifetimes) and asked( for more birthdays and blessings) God..

i then spent the next 8 hours with my family. we had ice cream over a sumptous lunch and then off i went to my make up class, only to find out that my teacher is not really gonna discuss anything and instead he asked us to work ourselves out with the tarsals and all..

at about 4:30 pm, i met up with my bestfriend pauwie, took out some bites from Sbarro, brought large drinks and choco mallows pie from jollibee and watched Cursed and totally embarassed myself because i yelled too loud...as usual, we had out neoprint taken and laughed our hearts out as we made our way home... i went directly to chiggy's house for my DATA ANALYSIS PARTY..i was exhausted but happy..and then in a split second, i was sad because something felt missing..something that was not that hard to figure out..but no something from him- DAMN YOU!..(not worth the rant, i was generally fine anyway)

but then i was happy again...

so it was indeed a happy birthday..

thank you everybody for making me happy....

tick,tack,tick,tack.....KABOOM!!!!

2005-03-10T16:15:00.000-08:00

few more hours....homygod!...

we'll be having a make-up class in forensic on my birthday..how twisted is that?...

im bored...

and oh!...my godess friends gave me cool gifts!...sunflower stuffs to add to my collection...wowowie!

mien, my bestfriend is in singapore already by this time...

my holy week should be a blast!

exams in geology and anthro 173 on march 21

thesis presentation on the 28th

life..where art thou?

every one is invited.....

2005-03-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

...to join my "name that rabbit" contest...i am buying myself a cute little bunny for my birthday and i cant seem to think of a decent name...its so exciting to be adding up another eccentric pet in the house. for those who do not know, i have a cat who talks back and scratches my project named MIMING (onomatopeic name i guess..to hell with the spelling), a duck named MIGUEL who chases everyone in his way, and in two days, a bunny whose name i have yet to think about..so suggestions are highly welcomed...

...to come to my DATA ANALYSIS PARTY on the day of my birthday where my partners and i are going to analyze our data for our thesis while we party. (talk about hitting two birds with one bollide)...

seriously, my day is doomed...i cant believe ill be spending my birthday with papers,readings, interview reports about vendors and all that thesis jazz...good lord!

and my bestfriend is leaving for singapore two days before...darn life!

will someone entertain me....oh i know someone..my geol prof who never cease to amuse me..

"we are rich people pretending to be poor" who me? not me!
"..we cannot just go on flip-flopping.." flip-flopping...nice choice of words
" mining requires a lot of capital but our local capitalists dont have that much capital" ano daw?!
"who wants to suffer now?" duh!?
"kurakot is a way of life" how conyo..finally,some sense...
"i hope you're learning from what im babbling about"..you can bet on it!

oops, if this thing gets out, i know who to kill! (ahem!ahem!)

hoh!..hohoho...hoh!hoh!hoh!hoh!hoh!....merry christmas!!!!!

2005-02-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

i am still seated in front of the PC (duh!? its not like i can wear it around my neck..dogoink!)...and its cold in here..(net cafe in a mall)..

had quite a funny day...there was a fire somewhere in commonwealth (not that i find it funny or anything..im not that ruthless..) i had a view of the thick smoke in class..and then i was bored for the next 3 hours had we not eaten at jollibee's and had a dose of the sumptous chocomallows pocket pie...heavenly!...

and then i skipped geology..wanna know why? because i was not able to figure out how to get to my class on time.. i went to anthro 181 class instead with all my other friends and realized how much i missed mam Celia Antonio, one of my beloved professor in school..she is going to be one of my future (fairy)god mother...

after that, we went to the college for some meeting..i was expecting some hardcore action but all they ever did was to blabber on and on while the "reds" acted somewhat indifferently while uttering some indirect "pasaring"
...hay nako...i am not apathetic by nature but if these are the kinds of people that i should start caring about..FORGET IT!...

and oh!...i am faced with a dilemma...should i or should i not?

there are some crash-courses that needs to be taken ASAP...my golly..

o well..this is still pretty much nonsense so ill shut up now...

hah!..hahaha...hahahahaha!!

2005-02-27T03:13:00.000-08:00

my brain is now filled with air as i sit here in front of the PC..its 3 in the morning and ive been struggling to keep awake..weve been working on our thesis and then suddenly, my partner in crime dozed off on me..

its tiring to go on ranting about how hard this fucking thesis is...just when i thought we were done with the interview, it turned out i counted it wrong and now we lack 1 more...one f***ing respondent that is not just busy and elusive by nature but also has as much excuse as the total population of spill-out vendors in the whole of divisoria..

last friday was the supposed "at-last-tapos-na-tayo-YIPPIE!!!-day"..it was such a hot day and we were there the whole time..we even had to sneak in the air conditioned mall every once in a while to avoid the scourging heat...and darn! those people..i was getting so hot headed already..because each and every one of them had their own share of alibis..i do understand their busy but i was so eager to finish everything and i started showing signs of terrible tantrums..we even decided to just go and grab someone just to satisfy our quota...it was nearly 5 in the afternoon when we finally finished everything...

and now...just 1 more!....GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways, a few more days and its march already.....goddamit MARCH!!!!!....few more days and my teeny-bopper days are over.....homygosh!...i loathe having to grow old!..does anybody know which way is it to neverland?

my gulay, im beginning to sound so pathetic...blame it on the air-head men!...

im out--------------

dogoink!

2005-02-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

im back!!! or at least i think i am back to my old self again...the non-mushy lei...
i was right when i assumed that ill be laughing my heart out once i get to read some of the cheezzy stuffs i wrote when i had the " broken-hearted syndrome"...kadireeee!!!!

anyways, its time to put the past away...(ill keep my fingers crossed)

school,so far has been the same for the past weeks..our thesis is doing pretty well besides the fact that we are not so pressured at all..its not a good sign! i was expecting to be all- ngaragers and windang but NO!..we even had time to sneak up to some sort of a vacation...we went to Tagkawayan last week, at chig's place and as usual, her folks were so kind enough to serve us sumptous meals...and i meant shrimps, crabs, squids, fresh fishes and the infamous tita bel's sapin-sapin..but NO! its not ur ordinary sapin-sapin..it is actually leche flan, ube halaya and maja blanca, layered to look like the ordinary malagkit sapin-sapin..it was heaven!..and the beach!...WOOOOHHHOOOOOOO!!!!! BEACH!!! i LOVE the BEACH! minus the fact that we nearly had enemies because some people were inconsiderate enough to actually wash their dishes and throw their spaghetti left overs in the ocean...YUCK!! kinda drove me away till i was sure the sea's natural cleaning mechanisms worked their way to clean the mess.

we also had some eat-all-you-can buko or mura in their native tongue...plus, i get to come back to COYO, one of the most wonderful bars i have ever been to.it is situated near the beach and i actually had a fun/weird experience back there..i was waiting till my two other friends were finished arguing and i was near the sea wall when the tide started to go up. i looked into the water and saw the stars' reflection. suddenly i just wanted to plunge feeling that i could actually touch the stars by doing so..nyoknyok!

we rode the trolley from chig's grandma and god! they had the biggest star-apple anyone will ever see..it was HUMONGOUS!..and yummy too!

we went back sunday after lunch and then came the series of unfortunate events...

after being sick and nearly dead ( i fell from a jeepney because i was so not myself)...i think im ok now..trying to fix things but still not sure if we can make it...but NO!..this time i learned my lesson..too bad i had to in a rather painful way...DOGOINK talaga!

geology exam on thursday..
forensic is getting VERY Interesting...we are now close to becoming the CSI class...wahahahaha!!!

o well, thats all folks....

please dont tell me its over..

2005-02-21T19:25:00.000-08:00

its been a while since i last wrote here. my laptop is still fucked up..just like my (love)life..

WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

i told myself i wont do this anymore..
ive had enough of my own whining..but geezz..
DARN! DARN! LOVE!

ill write nalang some excerpt from my super senti/slash/CORNY/slash/ CHEEZZYY entry in my dear diary..

" talaga palang nabalewala kita.. i took you for granted. tama ang sabi nila, hindi raw kita pinahalagahan. naging OA pala ang pagka-praning ko. lagi kitang inaaway. i would always start the fight and then later put the blame on you. ganon pala ako ka walang kwenta. makes me really say to myself right now na " buti nga lei!, you deserve all this crap! :P"..makes me attest to the saying na YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL ITS GONE.. are you really gone this time?..."

hay life! sobrang dami pa ng ka-mushy-han ko...i was so hurt..i got sick..i almost died dahil nahulog ako sa jeep dahil wala ako sa sarili ko..ano ba tong ginawa mo sakin...i already humbled myself and apologized pero deadma ka lang..

kakapagod nang mamulot ng napira-pirasong puso ko (tangina, ako ba to?!)...AYOKO NAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess this is over.......

me, myself and my WORLD

2005-01-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

i was nervous, sleepy and struggling to remember the things i've read the night before. stupid me, i opted studying for a GE subject over my 6-unit thesis subject. it was just geology, something i deemed unimportant since i have taken "geology-ish" subjects long before but NO!..it was a fucked up hard exam! and i sucked, BIG TIME!

after doodleling some answers, i gave up and was the third to pass first. i was about to storm out of that God-forsaken room when my teacher asked me, "o, was it a hard exam e ang dali mong natapos?"...i swear i could have made his nose bleed till he has blood no more but instead i just gave him that weird-PUTANGINA-MO look.

i arrived at hell #2 (thesis class) ahead of everybody else so i took out my only consolation (at least for that time being) and started devouring my recent calorie-rich fetish-- KITKAT chunky bar!!! when my prof arrived, 15 minutes was all she can afford to give us for scanning our notes. DARN! and so i lifted everything to batman and GOOD GOD!, another fucked up hard one! DAMMIT!

then i remebered its the same day i lost him...whatta day!?

and then came my only salvation...i was suddenly excited and..umm..EXCITED!...
by 7 pm we were traversing EDSA and enduring the traffic until we steered clear of my "world". slowly, the buildings were shrinking, lights fading, people decreasing..and the Bus, such a magical thing. other half is air conditioned and the other half naturally air conditioned (ordinary) i never really ceased to be amazed by it.

suddenly i was happy. seated next to my amazingly cool friends, feeling the cold,clean air, seeing almost nothing but shadows of trees and the big, round moon. we were in Lucban by 11 pm and the guys were kind enough to fetch us from Lucena. i have always love travelling. and it was one of those serene trips that really made me feel okay. it was SOOOOO Cold and the view was SMART-Simply amazing! with Mt. banahaw as our backdrop, it was more than enough to make up for no-beach.

i tried to be awake super early to see the perfect view but after seeing it and all the Ohh!s and WOW!s, i crawled back to bed and slept more. by 10 am, i was up for my first challenge-to take a bath! i was so scared (but its SO NOT like i dont take a bath at all..DUH!?) because the water was way,way below zero degrees and i am not exagerrating! it took me how many minutes more to ready myself and in my first scoop...WOOOOOHHHOOOO!!!!LAMIG!!!!!!! so i just hurried to get it over with.

after the bath-fuzz, we went downtown to Picture!Picture! and talked to informants and went to the cemetery to commune with the dead and then more Picture!Picture! and then went home to rest for a while. but knowing me, i got so bored in watching TV and playing Mario so they taught me my Nth poker lesson which upto now i think i still recall (thank God!). my contentment did not last long so i dragged them out again and took my 2nd challenge- eating pancit the Lucban way-HabHab as in literally "habhab" the pancit with no spoon no fork not even my hands but just with my mouth (and nose). there were other professional habhabers and it took me forever to finish my share. by that time, everyone was congratulating me for passing the challenge! YEHEY!

off we went for some more strolling and my GOD! things back there are way cheaper! as in CHEAP! Grabe! you get to eat a full meal with 15 bucks..how great is that?! and the whole ambiance of the place is so.....so.... i cant describe it fully..lets just say i was bedazzled to a point that i really did not want to go home anymore and i hated the city.

but its not over yet, my final challenge was yet to come. we took a BIG jeepney to the place they call Grotto. it was a mountain with some sort of altar/stations of the cross and guess what....298 steps...298 STEPS! and yes, i climbed it all the way to the top!

we had so much fun that we were reprimanded via megaphone from down below "hoy! may party ba dyan sa pinakataas? bakit ang ingay nyo? rinig dito yung ingay nyo ah!?"(KJ people,HMP!)..we stayed there for a long time because i really did not want to go anywhere else..it was calming..i felt so enlightened just by the whole facade and another perfect view. suddenly i hated being a city-girl..suddenly i despised malls and just wanted to live there, stay there on top forever...

but snapping back to reality, i soon realized the mosquitos are becoming all festive with my blood. we just waited til everything was lit up and then off we went to chiggy's mom. after some idle moments, we decided to sneak out and went downtown to this little fancy restaurant called "Buddy's" and the moment i stepped inside...OH MY GOD!! everything as in EVERYTHING has sunflowers in them..from the door to the "Kiping" (the ones in pahiyas)in the ceiling to the railings in the counter and the pictures by the wall and the chairs even the number they give you when you have to wait for your order, and the gutter in front of the resto, still sunflower....i was in heaven! and i wanted to live there!

but then again, most good things come to an abrupt end. the next day, we had to pack and get going. i left with a heavy heart, still hating the urban way of life and dreading my exam the next day..

back to my world..
i was on my daily routine again and it felt numb..i hated it still..the traffic, the people, the MRT, the buildings, the malls...my thank-god-its-not-such-a-fucked-up-exam, my school, the dirty air, the fucked up results of my previous exams, my thesis..everything!
i just wanted to be in Lucban...

but then something in me felt betrayed...i shouldnt be feeling this way..this is my world..the malls are my home..then i realized..if there was one thing Lucban taught me (more than the challenges i did) was to appreciate my own "little" world..and everything that goes with it.....

and then suddenly, i was okay more than ever

please listen...to what im not saying

2005-01-19T22:53:00.000-08:00

dont be fooled by me
dont be fooled by the face i wear
for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks
masks that i am afraid to take off,
and none of them is me

pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but dont be fooled for god's sake

dont be fooled

i gave you the impression that i am secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without;
that "confidence" is my name
and coolness is my game;
that the water's calm
and i am in command
and that i need no one.
but dont believe me.
please.
my surface may seem smooth,
but my surface is my mask.
beneath lies no smugness, no complacence
beneath dwells the real me
in confusion, in fear..in aloneness

but i hide this,i dont want anybody to know it.
i panic at the thought of my weakness
and fear of being exposed
thats why i frantically create a mask
to hide behind,
a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,to shield me
from the glance that knows.
but such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation.
and i know it.
that is, if its followed by acceptance,
if its followed by love

its the only thing that can liberate me-
from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers that i sopainstakingly erect.

its the only thing that will assure me
of what i cant assure myself,
that i am really worth something.
but i dont get to tell you this.
i dont dare to.
im afraid to.
im afraid your glance will
not be followed
by acceptance and love.
im afraid you'll think less of me
that you'll laugh
and your laugh will kill me.
im afraid you'll think less of me.
im afraid that deep down im nothing
that i am just no good,
and that
you'll see this and reject me.

so i play my game,
my desperate,
pretending game.
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.

and so begins the parade of masks.
and my life becomes a front.
i idly chatter to you in the
suave tones of surface talk
i tell you everything that's really nothing
and nothing of what's everything
of what's crying within me.

so when im going through my routine,
dont be fooled by what im saying.
what id like to be able to say,
what for survival i need to say,
but which i cant say.

I DISLIKE HIDING.

HONESTLY.

I DISLIKE THE SUPERFICIAL GAME

IM PLAYING,

THE SUPERFICIAL, PHONY GAME.

ID REALLY LIKE TO BE GENUINE

AND SPONTANEOUS

AND ME.

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.

....

2005-01-09T18:39:00.001-08:00

i spent practically the whole day at the library yesterday. quite an unusual thing i might say but pretty soon i think it will be a hobby. im gradually turning on my thesis mode already and im actually suppose to start with my critique but alas! i lost my appetite to do so.

on the brighter side however, i was able to get a hold of an elusive book i have been dying to read: "The Witch in History: Early modern and twentieth-century representations" by Dianne Purkiss. it's a feminist book and so far, i enjoy reading it. i came across a striking line:

"our foresisters were the Great Hags whom the institutionally powerful but privately impotent patriarchs found too threatening for coexistence.."

true!..(the feminist side of me has awaken..hehe!)i have yet to finish the book but rest assured im taking down more quote-worthy lines

jan 8 2005 3:15 pm

idiot-proof geology class

2005-01-09T18:39:00.000-08:00

"do you know what satellites are?"

- a question asked by my geology professor.a question enough to bring me back from my trance(its a boring class). "what the fuck!?" was at the back of my head after hearing that rather moronic question. what was he thinking? that he was talking to 6 year old pre-schoolers?

that was how my first day of school for the year 2005 went. i missed my first class because of the generic illness of women-dysmenorrhea. but come 1 pm, i was able to make it to my idiot-proof geology class. after which i hurried to my thesis class only to find out my teacher couldnt make it. which was, as it turned out, a pretty good thing considering i had a lot of time to catch up with my friends in our usual pot session...

a lot of things happened and each one has a different way of concluding the past year. i was able to talk to them until the time when we all geared up to watch a movie. after eating at Carl's i found out the amount of ketchup ill be forever needing for a large fries- 11 sachets. the movie- happy together- was ok. it had some funny scenes but i would have to praise their catchy tag lines--"puta ka, wag ka muna mamatay!""pekpek mo!"among others...while watching,i remembered one of my best friends-trisha a.k.a. jerome leo bautista, the prettiest gay in town. we got to see umm.."it"...i mean, her later that night. we spent some time under the stars and chika-d the night away. twas fun, hanging out with my friends and talking about risks and how,when,where and why we take them.

risks that sometimes made an idiot out of me..but a happy idiot of course..risks that i never got tired of or scared taking just as long as i know i can be responsible for it. for me, life indeed is sometimes all about taking risks and letting yourself loose. it is also the greatest measure of your maturity(at least for me)-if you are willing to do things and take responsibility and most importantly taking control of your own life.

it can be scary as hell because you'll never know the outcome but i hate life with regrets. that is one thing i would rather not have in my life. if there is one thing i regret the most- its having one!

i believe every single soul will have to take or at least face a risk once in their lives and included on the whole "risk-process" is knowing the how-when-where-why. there are more to come for me and i just hope i'll be forever strong to deal with them.

--just thinking out loud

jan 4,2005 2:46 pm

me..

2005-01-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

me..
.i am not the person who is singing, i am the silent but inside
i am not the one who laughs at people's jokes, i just pacify their egos
i am not my house, my car, my songs, they are only stops along my way
i am like the winter, im am dark, cold female with a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

and its me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

i am carrying my voice, i am carrying my heart
i am carrying my rhythm, i am carrying my prayers
but you cant kill my spirit its solemn and its strong
like a mountain, i'll go on and on
but when my wings are folded, the brightly colored moth
blends into the dirt and turn around

and its me who is my enemy
me who beats me up
me who makes the monsters
me who strips my confidence

and its me who's too weak, and its me who's too shy to ask for the thing i love
and its me who's too weak, and its me who's too shy to ask for the thing i love
but i love..but i love..but i love
but i love..but i love..but i love

i am walking on the bridge and i am over the water
and im scared as hell but i know there's something better, i know there's something better..
yes i know..yes i know..yes i know
but i love....

jan 2 2005 11:48 pm

new year thinggie

2005-01-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

2 more hours and the year is over. Time to give way to another 365 uncertain days. I'm stuck now in my room, afraid of being surprised by a firecracker or worse, be actually hit by the killer KABOOM! As an alternative however, I have my music turned up SO loud my eardrums are throbbing.

Gosh, it has been a hell of a year, this 2004. I learned a lot, experienced many "firsts", lost some things and gained some too. I'm now trying to analyze the kind of person I turned out to be. Had there been a transition? Have I changed? Into a better or worse person?... well, that is something I have yet to figure out for myself.

Lets talk about New Year as in the holiday "new year". My family usually celebrates it with ample (yummy) food with not much firecrackers. Lusis was the closest we got as paraphernalia to drive the evil spirits away. We had round fruits in the table, my mom scattered coins around the house for prosperity and way back when I was a kid, id wear something polkadot and jumped at the strike of 12.

This year is quite different because of some reasons. I'm trying to gauge myself if I'm happy or not. But then, I had a lot to be thankful for. As I have said, this past year has been a roller coaster ride (not the plain one but the one with LOOPS! ...yeah men!)

-----------------------toooooooooooooot----------------------------
(Lost track of my thoughts...derailed ang roller coaster...)

Arrgghhh! I lost it! Darn! Now we all had to deal with the incoherence of this piece.

"Sometimes, we go through life year after year, taking things for granted. We do not pay attention to the kindness of the people around us, the ones who gift us with love and with laughter that lighten our load..."

True! And I myself am guilty of it! ... For that, a big THANKS! To all the people who rode my roller coaster with me. Thank you to those who enjoyed the ride with me, to the ones who supported me and encouraged me to try the ones with LOOPS! ...Yeah men! To the ones who sat behind me in that "scary-at-first" ride, to the ones who made it run fast when I wanted it and slowed it down whenever I felt like throwing up. To the people who gave way, to the ones who got left behind and to those who never wanted to ride with me, I'm sorry. Also to those people whom I might have ran over, I'm sorry.

O well, 2005 might be another kind of ride but I'm pretty sure (and I hope) that it will be something better than a roller coaster with a LOOP! ... Yeah men! And that I'll still have the same people behind me and come across more people along the way that'll stick with me until the last ride.

GO ENCHANTED KINGDOM!! HURRAY STAR CITY!!!

December 31, 2004 11:32 pm

sorry

2005-01-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

im in a computer shop right now, teary-eyed...im sorry...."sorry"seems to be a word so often said in one's life but there, im saying it again..IM SORRY..it hurts me so much that it had to come to a point where we said things we never really mean to say. im sorry for the things i said that might have hurted you..i am not giving up the friendship...i care about you so much to even imagine that..i have been a lousy friend and im sorry...im SO SORRY

the stubBORN diva

2004-12-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

before i forget, dont you drag my friends into this mess. leave them out of it because its nowhere near their fault! and how the hell did i betrayed you?..you're despicable!

ok enough of my irking..

i had a "Not-so-GRINCH-Y" holiday this year (thank God!) yippiee!

day 1- on the road to el dorado
we woke up at 2:30 in the morning to be able to leave early. i hadnt had much sleep at all because i surfed (?) the net till 1 am. after enduring a gruesome bath (it was SOOOO cold), and checking my stuffs, we grabbed some pancakes, kiss my mom and off we flew.

i was at the backseat with my younger bro and we were stuffed with lots of pillows that somehow provided us comfort in that 12-hour ride. we were laughing and goofing around over some very, VERY corny jokes( my god, i just discovered that CORNY blood runs in the family.tsk,tsk,tsk!). by lunch time, we were in Naga already and decided to stop by the ever reliable Bee-guy/thing to grab some food only to be pissed off BIG TIME by the slowest moving crew i have ever encountered in my whole entire 19 years of existence. i was at the line from 12:20 and i got to order 10 minutes before 1 and i got to leave the DAMN branch by 1:20. all because of a turtle morphed into a human,jollibee crew and a tuna pie that took FOREVER to bake!

after that forever, we went on our way again and arrived in Sorsogon by 4 pm. my grandparents were surprised and happy to see us. we were all tired from the tiresome road trip so we went to bed early.

day 2- dec. 24..my first few inches
i have nothing against sorsogon but as i have always said, its a place i both love and hate. love because i get to be close to nature and the BEACH! and hate it because its kinda boring and turns me into the human version of Fatso. i woke up at around 10 am only to realize that my dad and bro left me to take the plunge. but it was no biggie at first since i had other plans.

come afternoon, i dragged my dad from sleep and demanded him what he promised so he took the keys, handed it to me and instructed me the basics. i was able to "drive" my first few inches in the driveway!!! i was so happy and scared at the same time. after some attempts, i called it a day since my knees started trembling already.

early evening, everyone was busy cooking for noche buena but i had to doze off a bit because i started having a terrible toothache plus my knees were still wiggling. i was awakened by the heavy rain and found out that it was a little past 1 am already. so i just got up and ate with my family(who were eating since 12 midnight i guess). and then went back to sleep again.

day 3- the not-s0-GRINCH-Y christmas day
as usual i woke up late but was able to come with my dad and bro to the beach. after NIRVANA, (minus the fact that the beach was dirty and wavy) i went on texting all my comrades a merry xmas and then came the hearty lunch and my first few kilometres!

my dad brought me to this "diversion road" traversed by few cars and there, i drove about 6 kms at the rate that ranges from 20-40 kph (i am a beginner,thus i am excused). i felt like i was a lousy driver and my kuya was at the backseat scrutinizing my driving. it was so much FUN! but as usual, my knees were still shaking. at the end of the day, i was tired but very very happy!

day 4- more kilometres!
i get to drive from diversion to Bacon District near the beach then back again to diversion then back home..WOWOWIIIEEE!!!!!!!!!!! and of course there were some occasional mishaps on the way (namatayan ako ng makina ng ilang beses, smoke started rising from my dad's nose) but then again..SO MUCH FUN!!!!

day 5- home sweet home

nyahahahahahaha!!!!fun!fun!fun!

how dare you!

2004-12-28T01:20:00.000-08:00

on the way home,i was already collecting my thoughts and somehow putting them in order so that as soon as i get home, i'd be able to recount happy parts of the last few days. i decided to put the writing on hold first but now guess what? i lost everything..my zest, my enthusiasm to write and even the happy things that happened itself. all because of your bashing and below the belt attacks.

you really did not seriously think i wouldnt know did you? i am NOT insensitive and i know i may have hurted you and that maybe to you, im the WORST friend anyone can ever have but you have gone far. i have been meek about this whole issue partly because i am guilty. even in the point that you cursed me and used profanities. i still somehow managed to let that pass and kept my mouth shut but YOU WERE STILL NOT CONTENTED!

i am hurting SO MUCH right now but i still dont hate you. but the hell you care RIGHT?! since i am the lousiest friend you ever had and i ruined your trust and i used you..what else have you got to say to me?! better let it out now..

you know what your problem is, you are a WALKING CONTRADICTION! how the hell can you say you trusted me when you BARELY even let me in in your life. you never really told me anything unless i squeezed it out of you. you NEVER told me anything...i am nowhere near being related to madam auring or jojo acuin or whoever psychic there is to actually read your mind or somehow have a premonition whenever i touch you regarding the things that bothers you unless you tell it straight to my face.

i mean, i am like that to you and you made that pretty clear by accusing me of using you. i tell you things i tell you my problems, my issues, my embarrassing moments, EVERYTHING! i am transparent, i have been honest but you on the other hand, i always had a hard time seeing the REAL, WHOLE you--not just your funny, crazy, witty side but the other ones as well.. and it is because you never let me in. what am i supposed to do?

and you know what, its just sad that NOTHING in what i did was ever good enough for you. i still am a lousy, USER friend. what makes you think im superhuman not to get hurt by our situation right now. your one of my best friend and it hurts me that you are talking to me like that. i too, thought that our friendship was forever but you made it clear that its not. if you're tired of this...well guess what..I AM TOO!

gosh reunion part II

2004-12-21T15:40:00.000-08:00

"ei guys, 1pm sa haus ni jen, dec 20. medyo potluck sya kaya tell me nalang kung anong mga dadalhin nyo para hindi parepareho. dont forget yza's gift. kahit anong powerpuff or winnie the pooh will do.c yah! luv yah!"--lei

"yo, may changes..d daw pwedeng super early kina jen.gusto ng dad niya early dinner. mga 4 pm nalang.yung mga dadalhin pala: mavic-dessert, rache and niki-chicken, lp-drinks,ako, si mien, si karen and marj hindi pa namin alam basta, 4 pm. c yah!"--lei

"pips, d daw pwede si rache gabihin. sunduin nalang daw nya tayo ng 12 nn kasi dala nya car nya. tapos tambay nalang muna tayo kila niki tapos mga 3 punta na tayo kina jen.okidoks?!"--lei

so many changes..even at the last minute, some people suddenly were not so sure if they could make it. i was nervous and so much excited.in the reunion part I, some people weren't able to make it but this time, i demanded that we'd be complete for our picture!picture!. by 12 nn, there was no sign of rache but all the others were at niki's already. as for me, i had to finish cooking my share-burger steak ala lei. plus i had to wait for another friend. by 4, we were almost complete at jen's but then karen called and said she was on her way. but still no sign of rache. i was calling her but she didn't pick up. come 5, karen arrived with our gift for little angel Yza and some red horse grande but still no rache. all of our tummies started churning so we decided to head for the kitchen and ate. and then my cell beeps:

"sorri guys, i dont think i can still make it. enjoy nalang kau. sana may next time pa. sori talaga"--rache

!?@#$%&*^!!!!!!

but then we realized that she has always been like that since we were kids so KEBER!? its 1 loss for us and 9 for her anyways..

the happy part:

as usual, we had lotsa fun! we were all noisy and laughing as we recall some of our funny experiences way back in elementary. it seemed that nothing really changed. they were still the same old crazy-photo-ganid-crazy-talkative-boycrazy-crazy-wacky-dependable-crazy-loving-crazy-precious-crazy people that i used to hang out with since i was 10 years old. but of course, tiny bits of traces of maturity are evident and gosh! suddenly they all wanted a baby of their own.

after eating, we busied ourselves with the infamous picture!picture! by the xmas tree. hhaannggg cute naming lahat! but no! i grew tired of smiling because it does not end with the digicam..all their phones have cameras so we have to really extend our smiles. and in fairness, we have a million and more reasons to smile. being around each other lifts our spirits to the highest level. todo na toh!!!

hayy..after that we heard mass in a church nearby and all i did inside the air conditioned place was to laugh because people are really doing lotsa funny stuffs. the choir for example sings in an off beat manner while lightly banging their heads..the old lady beside me is so annoying..and i really cant imagine myself inside the church again after how many years..

we headed back to jen's after the mass for some "unfinished business". we actually had to sneak the beers inside her room and there we gulped it upto the last drop. yza, by that time was still hyped and was running around the room. she's soo cute! she's Boo's real version. also a xerox copy of her mom.

of course the night would not be complete without the sex talk. they were kind enough to share some tips and precautions. as i sat there, i smiled and silently thanked God (as always) that i have them in my life..i really cannot just talk about these kinds of things with my mom..not that im so much interested anyhow( uy defensive!) but still,it is one of the basics in human survival..wehehehe!

by 1 am, twas my time to go so i bid them gudnight and started planning for the next bonding.

God! i love them..thus this quotable textquote:

highschool days are over and yet we find time to check one another.. minsan sabi ng mga college friends ko "sino sila, classmates mo noon?".. sabi ko, "hindi..pamilya ko hanggang ngayon"

super true! and they will be forever in my heart! until the next bonding in tagaytay! love you Tropang Gosh!

?@#$%^&*!!!!

2004-12-18T22:31:00.000-08:00

some kind of a fucking friend, am i?!?!?!?!?!?
----------------------------------------------

"when you feel like huffing and puffing and hyper ventilating and being manic depressive, have a slice or two..our chocolate mousse relieves stress, eases bitterness, soothes the nerves and increases your body's happy chemistry for a brighter, more loving dispositions.."
-- red ribbon

i agree!i agree!!!

december 18, 2004 2:55 pm
------------------------------------------********-----------------------------------------

dont start

if i had known back then what i wish i know now then id be way ahead of the game you think im playing if youd been in my shoes when i was out of town u might be nervous but ud probably be staying

coz love wont break your heart if you dont let it get up into your head it wouldnt tear your faith apart but if you think you might regret it dont start...dont even ..

i see an open door where you've put up a wall and ill be walking through to this army any second now. if you come easily, ill handle you with care but if you struggle ill beseech you with temptation

coz love wont kill your heart if you deny it, dont knock it till you try it and we are all afraid to die but if you're to scared of living dont try..dont even..

if you want out, im leaving..goodbye

dont even try..

ill put you in your place just show me where it is.ill carry you up high to the summit of contentment. and you could read my mind if you were not so colorblind. ill be yours and you'll be fine just as long as were not thinking

coz love wont break your heart if you dont let it get up into your head it wouldnt tear your faith apart...
so if you want just come and get it
but if you think you might regret it
then we might as well forget it..nah..dont even start...

dont even start..

of lanterns and old people

2004-12-18T00:27:00.000-08:00

yesterday was the infamous lantern parade. i was suppose to meet my friends by 12 noon but i had a hard time picking up a top for the party after the parade so i ended up arriving by 1:30 pm. i went straight to the college for the "pakain" and in all fairness, it was catered and my other friends were able to get some flowers from the centerpieces.

after the free food, they started hollering for the performance practice and chig,nessa and fate started getting hyped and excited. ang mga lola mo, kinareer ang impromptu performance! (un)fortunately for me, di kinaya ng powers ko kaya taga-hawak lang ako ng mini-lanterns.

after some time, they started distributing the not-so-cool college shirt (low budget..hehe!) and asked us to start making our way to quezon hall. i had pam to accompany me in my "di-kinaya-ng-powers-ko-kaya-taga-hawak-lang-ako-ng-mini-lantern" state and we actually planned our supposed escape halfway through the parade to be able to see the other lanterns. after "buying" some drinks was our eskapo and we settled in front of Engg and waited for the parade. it just so happened that pam had a fight with her boyfriend so we decided to just head back with the rest of the gang. i left her soon with her beau to patch things up and caught up with your perfomer lolas

there were soooo many people and the perfomance went well minus the part where our lantern almost fell because of too much tugging. after that we went back to the college for sandwiches and juices and a raffle that was so bias!(bitter kasi ndi nanalo..wehehe)

after two tuna sandwiches, we just sat there and killed the time with so much chikahan and kwentuhan until it was only the four of us(chig,nes,fate and me) left in the building with manong guard. we then decided to go only to find out how hard it was to get a cab. there we were, seated at the gutter and trying to amuse ourselves by talking to the flowers fate stole from the center pieces and cursing every goddamn cab who wont take us and making fun of lotsa stuff.

finally after 10 years, we got one on the condition that we add another 30 pesos to our fare. we dropped fate by katipunan and headed to libis. kumain muna kami sa Mcdo and then pumunta na kaming basement. but i noticed there were old people coming inside and the cashier was nowhere to be found. the bouncer then told us that Sitel, a call center company was having of course an exclusive christmas party and they rented the basement for the night. we were shocked! and very disappointed and we turned and saw Jay, a former CWTS groupmate who works in Sitel. hindi raw talaga pwede ang outsider and kung makapasok man kami, wala kaming makakausap. so we decided to just head off to timog and our first stop was at Static. the place is ok coz ive been there already but that night, it was deserted.what the hell were we expecting anyways, it was thursday night. but we wanted so badly to push through with our gimik so we started looking for other cool bars and our second stop- Sibil. we asked if we could look inside first and nessa did and said there were quite more people than in Static so that was fine with us. we paid 200 for the entrance and 2 drinks goes with it. after finding our spot, i suddenly noticed the people..we were surrounded with old people!..ok so they're not lolo't-lola-OLD but more of 25-early 30s-OLD..and the music...god!..trashy, boring kind of trance that sounded more like a lullaby song because it had me yawning and we were bored to death! what a waste of time and of 200 bucks of course!.. i was asking my other friends for other bars when all of a sudden the dj started talking and introducing contestants of the "bikini babe" thing..it was a living nightmare! all the guys started getting up from their seats and approached the stage (which was actually the bar)...all the other ladies were bored as well..and sa sobrang pagka-bored, we just made fun of the "bikini babe" contestants' schools--AMA, CEU and Emilio aguinaldo college while finishing up our beers..BADTRIP!..tapos when we all cant take it anymore, we stormed out and started looking again for other bars..in fairness to sibil, marami naman talagang tao dun..mga taong bagets to be specific, tuwing fridays and weekends..wrong timing lang kami..

our third stop was at Decades..usapan namin, pag pangit, uuwi nalang kami at matutulog ng mahimbing at magkikita-kita nalang sa panaginip at dun gigimik..they approached the bouncer/guard while i phoned my friend to make sure ok dun. and the kind man let us in without paying anything after naming ikwento ang kapalaran namin sa Sibil. we looked around and sobrang jam packed.no seats available and the music was a lot better so naghanap kami ng corner namin and whoala!

mga bandang 2 am, unti-unti nang nawawala yung mga tao..then we remembered, may pasok pa pala sila kinabukasan pero keber..mga 3:30..medyo pumapangit na ang tugtog hanggang sa naging ballroom na.. mga 4 umalis narin kami..diretso sa Mcdo and then 5, umuwi na..

hahahahaha..masaya parin sya..but lesson learned---gimik night is NOT thursday night!

oh its crying time again..

2004-12-14T22:50:00.000-08:00

i had a good cry last night. nasa jeep palang tumutulo na yung luha ko,feeling ko mukha akong ewan so pagdating ko sa bahay, diretso ako sa kwarto ko at umiyak ng umiyak. crying is one of the things that im very good at. minsan nga naisip ko maging artista dahil magaling akong umiyak. kaya lang sa sobrang galing, madaling mamugto ang mata ko so hindi rin pwede na sumali sa star circle kasi bawat iyak, maga mata ko..ang pangit naman non...back to my story..umiyak ako ng umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak...tapos inisip ko, bakit nga ba ako umiiyak?..biglang nakalimutan ko yata, na-carried away ako...ah! naalala ko yung mga nakita ko, mga nabasa ko, mga nalaman ko at mga narealize ko..tapos biglang nalaman ko kung bakit ako umiyak...PASKO na kasi...TANGINANG PASKO talaga yan o!, kaya pala malungkot nanaman ako, kaya umiiyak nanaman ako.

pero naisip ko ulit, totoo bang dahil sa pasko kaya ako umiiyak? sabi ng alter-ego ko, parang hindi yata..kaya tumigil muna ako sa kaka-ngawa at nagisip...

isip..isip..isip..

aha! alam ko na..umiiyak ako kasi nalaman kong may girlfriend na yung crush ko!...TANGINA ang babaw!

isip..isip..isip..

ayyyy!! umiiyak ako kasi magkaaway kami ng nanay ko..pano ba naman, nag-away sila ng tatay ko tapos sa akin binuhos ang lahat ng galit nya kahit wala naman akong ginagawang masama. kaya ngayon, di kami naguusap..bahala siya!..pero teka, sanay na ko dun eh..hindi na dapat iniiyakan yun.

isip..isip..isip..

di kaya dahil may na-miss akong ultimate gimik?...hindi rin yata..

isip..isip..isip..

baka naman dahil hanggang ngayon may galit parin ako sa dibdib..pero hindi naman na ako galit eh..nagpapalipas nalang ako ng sama ng loob..hibernate ba..mga january siguro okay nako so probably hindi rin yun..

isip..isip..isip..

imposible namang after-effect parin ito ng awa ko para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo--OA na yun!

isip..isip..isip..

isip..isip..isip..

hanggang sa nakatulog akong nagiisip..

pagising ko..unang pumasok sa isip ko...
KUMAIN NA BA AKO? bakit parang nagugutom ako?..kaya kumain ako..

pagkatapos kumain, balik nanaman ako sa pagiisip..mata ko, sinlaki na ng platitong kinainan ko...tapos naisip ko, wlang dessert? naalala ko yung cookies na bigay ni magel.kinuha ko sa bag tapos nagisip ako kung bibigyan ko mama ko pero naalala ko, galit pala kami kaya kinain ko ng solo.

ayan, solve na..back to my thinking..TANGINA, napipikon na ako dahil hindi ko mawari kung bakit nga ba ako umiiyak...kaya time out muna..tinulungan ko yung kapatid ko sa project nya--gumawa ng dama board..ang sabi pa nga niya ang tawag daw dun "DAMATH" hindi "DAMA" kasi project daw niya yun sa MATH..

ako:siraulo ka ba? niloloko mo ko?!
luis: yun ang sabi ng teacher ko eh!
ako:bahala ka, ikaw maglagay ng "DAMATH" dyan, ako lang ang magkukulay ng pentel pen sa mga kahon dahil pag ikaw baka maging jumanji board yan imbes na DAMA board.
luis:yehey! ililibre nalang kita ng pillows
ako:ok cge go!

i never knew drawing lines and coloring boxes black is so nakakabobo. na-high pa ako sa amoy ng pentel pen.

after helping him out, umakyat narin ako at nagisip ulit....

isip..isip..isip...

isip..isip..isip...

hanggang nakatulog na ulit ako...paggising ko, patay na si FPJ..pero LECHE, hindi ko parin alam kung bakit ako umiyak kagabi..basta ang alam ko, gumaan pakiramdam ko..

whatever!?

december 14, 2004 10:05 am

backdated entry #2

2004-12-14T22:45:00.000-08:00

i was in Eastwood (again) last wednesday and as usual, i had fun! we were at Mcdo when we decided to call ja because we miss her badly. thanks to sun cellular, a call need not to be paid for at all..wehehehe...i had a difficult time comprehending the things she was saying because of the noisy hens and chickens in the background (doing their tiktilaok!!!)

---( and right now, my mom is doing the same..TIKTILAOOOOKKKKK!!!!!!!!!...Pakshet!)---

anyways, we were suppose to go straight to the fort to visit Market!Market! but unfortunately(at first) we ended up going to GH(again!). later did i realize that the place was infested with bazaars everywhere! and of course there was the famous christmas show that used to be in COD Cubao but was transferred in GH.it was sooo nice! i wonder how they were able to make those things move(?)..there were so many stuffs i wish i could buy since they were relatively cheaper than usual, but my priority was doll shoes which i still didn't get to buy---DAMMIT!!... i got a capri instead...

holy macaroni! i wish Santa is someone that really existed so that ill be a very good girl and i get to have a gift---lotsa moolah!!
.........................................

i know its bad to be envious of other people but DARN! some of them really are worth being envious of...like the ones who seem to have a "SUPERHUMAN" kind of disposition in life..it is indeed a TALENT, im telling you...and how i wish i could have a morsel of those powers....gaaaaasssssshhhhhh!!!!!!!
.........................................

ooooowwwwww,i remember the panda chair i saw in megamall..I GOTTA HAVE THAT ONE!!!(im whining now!)..its a panda! and a chair! all rolled into 1..how amazing is that?!?!?! and its sooooooo CUTE..i swear to god, iiyak ako pag hindi ko nabili yun! a whooping 1,900 pesos--how many meals do i have to miss for that?!(*starts counting*)..
.........................................

"time is precious, waste it wisely" a quotable quote i came across while reading some backdated newspaper at the college lib..
december 10, 2004 9:25 pm

some backdated entries..# 1

2004-12-14T22:30:00.000-08:00

put that thing back where it came from, or so help me...(bam, bam, bam)

yupyupyup! that's one of my most favorite, cherished line and hilarious scene in the ultimate movie MONSTERS INC.-- Mike "Googleybear" Wazowsky, James "kitty" Sullivan and Boo, in the scare floor, arguing whether it's Boo's door or not and then putting up a hoax- "we are rehearsing for an upcoming company play entitled, umm.... PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR SO HELP ME (Kitty on the background, BAM,BAM,BAM).
watching it over and over again still never decreases it's "laugh" appeal to me. i always end up chuckling, very amused and happy!

and it just so happened that i am happy at this moment!

its raining, there's a super typhoon on its way but im happy!---happy because classes were suspended, happy because someone makes me happy, happy because we're all set for the training! and happy because im devouring my fave milk biscuits- uraro!! YIPPIIEEE!!!!!!!!!

backtrack to the last few hours...for the past two days, i've been watching the primetime news--crying! i feel so bad about the victims of the typhoon. the people who lost their loved ones, the people who died, the kids who lost their family..its so sad..

wait! am i weird?..(ooppss, wrong question, coz i know i am)...i mean, yeah! i AM WEIRD..GO WEIRDO!

in the BONE news:
chiggy and i are partners to discuss the backbone. or the vertebrae column which is like THE most difficult to discuss especially in the part where you're suppose to explain and identify the exact order of the individual vertebrae (and there are a total of 33 bones in that part alone)gudlak!
another thing, (still about bones, pardon me) we just got 2 new hard bound thick books to burn our eyebrows with-literally.

..ohhh bones...gotta love it!

december ...forgot na...

hhhaaaannggg corny!

2004-12-13T19:59:00.000-08:00

im at a computer shop somewhere down the road because i want to stay out late..our house is cursed at the moment...hay buhay! flat nanaman gulong ko badtrip!

here we go again

2004-12-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

i wanted to be ok but the whole state of being "ok" seem so elusive. with me, again, is my heavy heart filled with a homogenous mixture of emotions...

sad...
angel is leaving and i love her, i will definitely miss her...literally one of the angels in my life.

i got to attend her despedida party that turned out to be ok minus the fact the she was the only one who got drunk. i was afraid there'd be flashfloods of tears but i was surprised that i was able to go home the next morning without bulging eyes. but there was an aftershock to that..the moment i sat down the sofa, i started feeling sad and i cried and cied and cried. i will miss her!

scared..
of our upcoming report on the vertebral column.. it has a total of 33 bony parts and now, im in the 2nd bone palang. i definitely dont want to screw this up..its a HARD subject and sometimes i still wonder what the hell im doing with all the skulls but i dont want to screw it up..

confused..
when you do things, its not always because you want to do it. sometimes, you HAVE to do it without liking it. and sometimes you start with it enthusiastically but along the way you loose the passion or the motivation to continue. sometimes you choose to stick til the end but sometimes you just know its over. the question now is how to deal with it now you know that its 99% over? will you still hold on to that 1% that STILL means something?

tired..
im tired of the "same ol' routine" of nonsense. this time, i'd like to mean what i said.

happy..
because i get to see another precious friend i havent seen for 3 years. we had a blast talking to each other and im sure we'll be keeping in touch this time.

sympathetic...
to all the victims of the recent calamities..i have been watching the daily news crying because of too much sympathy to the victims especially the kids. just the thought of loosing your family and loved ones breaks my heart.

cold..
i cant seem to deal with it the modest way so i built a wall..and i think its going to stay there for a while until i get over it.

insecure..
all the people seem to notice it..trust me, i do know too! and im struggling to do something about it without killing myself.

excited..
its a fresh start! a new experience i look forward to regardless of people's scrutiny...to HELL with what you say!

unwell..
after being drenched in the rain, what the hell do i expect? a bad headache with possible fever of course!

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"good men needs no law to act responsibly, bad ones find ways to run around it.."-- narinig ko sa radyo sa FX on my way to school. sabi si Plato raw ang nagsabi..(*shrugs*)..

inhale...........(holds breath for about 10 years).............exhale

2004-11-30T06:21:00.001-08:00

i am struggling to be destressed...(inhales......*holds breath for another 10 years*.......exhales)

ok ang corny...

but really, i have been so hot-headed this past few days and i think its high time i loosen up a little tiny bit. i had a good day today, thanks to my "foam-party" friends (hehe!)...we took an exam in Libis and was very punctual (our scheduled exam was 9 am, we were there by 8:30). we hung out first at the pantry where there was a GREAT view of big houses and "pandak/philippine versions" of skycrapers along ortigas.

i laughed a lot today which was a good thing considering the "berserky" mood i had for the last couple of days. i just hope we did well in the exam( in fairness, hi-tech sya! tipong nakaka-bano)

after Libis, we went to Galle (hayyy! kakasawa!) to claim my MTV card.SOOOOO Cool!! i got the pink one with my name spelled as LORELIE--darn!

i had another one of those "conversations" with my best buddy and all i got to say was "welcome to the club! CONGRATULATIONS for taking the first step to womanhood!!"

YIPPIEEEE!!!!!

hayyyy! buhay....parang gulong....siguro na-flat lang yung akin...kailangang ipa-vulcanize...and im working on it! :P

aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

i HATE to be grumpy and such an onion-skin but GOOD GOD! i am feeling more and more angry! people are really becoming SOOOOO MEAN!!!!

Goodness gracious! give me some break!!!!

SHIT!!!!!

its getting to my nerves...i feel like anytime soon, i am going to loose it! and go berserk!

and go KABOOM!!!!!

please, dont make me mad!..tama na...

lei-lei,buffoon!

2004-11-28T23:24:00.000-08:00

people actually come to me for advice most of the time. whether it may be problems of the heart, personal issues, conflict with family, petty fights with friends, acads, and a whole lot more. sometimes i myself am surprise that i am able to impart helpful suggestions and good peer counseling. i like how it feels when you help people. i love to listen to other people's problems because it's flattering enough that they trust me to seek my support.

i have always been this kind of friend ever since. i like so much to be trusted because i myself trust my friends so much. and the feeling of being of help to other people is truly priceless.

but why can i not be that much of a good adviser when it comes to myself? they say i give good advices that are somehow proven to work but i sometimes turn out to be so helpless when it comes to dealing with my own shits. i seem to know all "the right things to do" when it comes to my friends but i know NOTHING when it comes to myself.

i tell them things that i cant and dont have any idea how to do. am i a big joke?

sometimes i think i actually am...

"kung gusto mo talaga siyang makalimutan, dapat you spend some time apart.in that way, you'd somehow lessen the pain and the dependency and it will help you recover more quickly..."

but look at me, trying to convince myself that we're ok, we're good friends and at the same time feeling i have all the right to demand some of your time. its bullshit!

"nde ko alam ang problema mo, nde ko rn alam kng anong problema ko..pero ang alam ko, ayoko ng ganito, paikot-ikot lang..walang pinupuntahan, walang patutunguhan..d ako maka-move on!"

that is what it is--a big BULLSHIT!

ayoko na!

...

2004-11-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

............................................

cant think of anything to say...but i do have a lot in my mind right now...i just dont want to hurt anybody' s feelings. i am not inconsiderate

the grinch

2004-11-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

my mother started putting out the christmas decors when i got home. by the way i came from eastwood,Libis for a scheduled exam in a call center. i am applying for a part time job and yes, it is in a call center. i dont want to stir things up but i have my personal reasons for doing this. personal, meaning im doing this for myself(ok, let me add my family to that).

anyways, the exam was not so hard and we finished it after about 2 hours. we still have to come back for another application in the same building so that means i still(again!) have to endure the "evil elevator"(a distorted elevator by itself).

one of the passage in the exam mentioned about how nowadays, there is an increasing trend of things to be learned. people today needs to acquire truckloads of new knowledge and information than years ago and it said there are more to come but man's brain still have the same size(and capacity??) as before so the dilemma is how to insert those things in our pea-sized heads?! (*shrugs*)

blah,blah,blah

back to the christmas part..

i am not the grinch and i dont have any plans of stealing christmas but i hate it. not only because it's the most expensive holiday especially if you're a friendly person and generous by nature, but because its...its...it has become meaningless for me..making the christmas tree, turning your house upside down for xmas decors..(ok so the food and parties are an exception)...plus the fact that my christmas for the past years had been sad. i remember crying every 25th of december..(*sniff*,*sniff*)

i really dont know how it happened but everything just became pointless for me. i did not hate xmas before..oh well, things change..but i want to make it clear that i dont hate jesus or the fact that it's his birthday...im just sad every christmas and i hate being sad and depressed that's probably why i hate xmas...and the countdown! my god!

tomorrow is bone day again! i'll be seeing my once "untouchable" friends--the skulls of the anthro lab. why untouchables? because the first time i was inside that place my knees felt weak and everywhere i look, there were skulls and bones and charlie(the whole,real,supposedly complete,still-young-when-he-died skeleton) lying in the corner. and i was like:"i have those things inside me..i mean, i have a skull like that one over there and a femur, ribs,and that whole skeletal package!" plus the recurring "hhhoooo myyy goooddd!!!, i cant touch this!"

but after the class, i was able to conquer my fear and now bestfriends with those bones for my fate in forensic class lies in them.

hehe!:P

another one of those weird days

2004-11-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

to start off, i had an uneasy sleep because of the benders in my hair. for those who do not know, benders are the ones responsible for my occassional curly hair. for long lasting effect, it has to be endured over night. the curls also depend on how you roll your hair on the benders as well as the relative number of strands of hairs per bender. ok enough with the bender talk...

i woke up at around 6 am and as usual, it was a long line to the bathroom. i intended to leave early because i still have to have my homework in anthropology printed in the Shopping Center. by 8:15 am i was done with the printing so off i went to class in the 4th floor of Palma Hall. i hurried up fearing that i was already late for my 8:30 class. i went inside the room and even passed in front of my teacher's desk and sat at the farthest corner of the 2nd row. and then there was the national anthem. we all stood up and i was sweating like a pig so i did not mind all my other "classmates". i noticed one thing though, there were quite extraordinarily a number of boys in class. after singing we sat down and my prof started talking about the readings that has to be acquired by next meeting and that's when it hit me... I WAS ON THE WRONG CLASS!!!...i really felt so embarassed that i thought i actually shrinked into a size enough to be thumbelina's sister!...all my other "classmates" started going out of the room and i turned out to be the earliest bird after all.

so there, my best friend arrived as well as my other "true" classmates and then the prof started discussing our assigned reading and the reflection paper due. i was a little bit proud of my reflection paper because it was exactly one page as told but substancial and i felt i was able to clearly state my opinion on the rather "bizarre" and disgusting article about the Nacirema people. here are some of the passionate excerpts from my reflection paper:

The article is definitely shocking! Shocking in the sense that I never really imagined that these rituals actually existed and are (or were) being practiced by some tribe...

They go through these body rituals everyday, one by one, in secrecy and then in public in temples if they are so sick already, only to find out that there really isn't any guarantee that you'll get well at all. Even the children from their own tribe is scared of some of their rituals so what more of those from outside of it. I understand that they have so much faith in magic and charms and I respect that but what about the mouth rite that requires you to actually insert hog hairs in your mouth! And they believe this could draw friends?! HOW?! (If I'm starting to sound mad, I'm not. Just so shocked, that's all). And then I came across the part where the men scrape off surface of their faces and when I read:"Women bake their heads in small ovens for about an hour" Oh My God! I asked myself, what's wrong with these people?! And if it isn't enough, I found out that Nacirema women with "hyper mammary development" actually generates income by letting people stare at it for a fee. Now that was just too much for me already...

i was indeed passionate about my reactions only to be asked if we really knew who the Nacirema were...surprise!surprise! they are the Americans! and my teacher started explaining these "rituals and shrines"(the bathroom), hog hairs(toothbrush),women showing their boobs(pornography) and "baking of the head for an hour" (which was actually the hot oil treatment women get from salons--Good God!)...so you can probably imagine my disbelief and again my embarassement in the things i wrote.(another "life's-a-bitch!-moment")

fast forward to 11:00 am..

i was in CASAA with chiggy and fate and chig's friend grace when fate bluntly told chig that we had to go if we intend to go to the college lib. so we left grace with her sandwich and headed off to the Babba Shawarma stand to satisfy my shawarma cravings. i had a large one with no veggies as usual and guess what? all i got was a soggy,hollow and "not-so-masarap" shawarma that i was not able to finish eating until 12:30 (after getting some thesis title in the lib to be passed later in the afternoon)...after that, off we flew to our respective classes and my destination-NIGS.

i was again an early bird for my geology class so i put out my forensic readings and started memorizing the 206 bones in our skeletal system(of course my efforts were futile but at least i ended up knowing the 3 major reference points...blah,blah,blah). i was uttering the "bone talk" to myself as we waited for my prof to arrive. good thing i had some good looking classmates worthy to be gazed upon.

after some review of the past lesson, we started talking about the Earth's interior(yah know, the core, mantle and crust churva) and came upon the topic of oceanic plates.in an instant, i was in the same familiar trance- the beach in front of me, me sitting by the shore with fine sands( the one with the natural magnets as my classmate was saying at that same time) underneath and the vast clear water...ohhh my!!! i want beach!

but snapping back to reality, i hurried out after class so as not to be late for CD 199. the Toki jeepneys gave me a hard time but i was able to arrive on time.and then my friends were like "blooming ka ngayon lei ah!" well, just so everybody knows, i dont feel "bloomingly" at all but thanks for the compliment.

when my classmates started passing their thesis title, ours somehow got stuck in chig's notebook so as a result, we have to find another one because some other friends were able to pass the same title first.(Darn!)

it was such a long class and pretty much boring if i may add had not janella dropped by to say byebye. she's scheduled to leave for field this wednesday and i wish her all the luck. me and my friends even came upon the resolution to switch to sun cellular so we could get in touch with her as often as possible.

fastforward again to dismissal time...

jerome(krisha), gladyzz and i were walking our way to AS and Main Lib while laughing our hearts out. jerome had this funny,green joke about Goto that upto this second makes me smile. and when i arrived home, i had another one of my favorite cravings-bibingka!. and then my mom asked me to transfer the clothes that was washed into a safe place(because "unding"-the bagyo, was coming)

after sometime, i heard her screaming as she asked me to come down because my "titas" were downstairs. and there they were, two old but pretty ladies gushing about how i am so a LOGRONIO and looked so much like my aunt minda. it felt weird because they held my hand as if they knew me and were smiling at me so much and then off they went!

i was like--what the hell was that about?

i dont know them at all! not even my mother knew about them and it was freaky enough to have someone at your doorstep claiming to be the daughter of my grandfather's brother(which makes them my father's cousin and indeed my titas), talking and smiling while holding your hands and then suddenly saying they have to go.

talk about bizarreness at its best!

the foam party!

2004-11-21T23:20:00.000-08:00

last friday was an almost girl's day out had my friend and his cohort(my brother) not come.

all the way from ice monster, paseo de roxas, Makati to Mc donalds eastwood, Libis, to kitchi nadal's album launch, to the basement for some foam party.---so much FUN!!!!

i had a blast with people whom i never thought would mean a lot to me now. i got myself some precious friends that proved themselves worthy of my trust and love. i love you guys! (nessa, faith and of course my two best friends chiggy and krisha!)

only they got a little carried away with the alcohol and started giving us the nervous breakdown mode (wild dancing, crazy partying and all that jazz). the darn floor was flooded with soap suds by the break of day but hell! it was so destressing after all.

this could only mean one thing---we're gonna party on!

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snapping back to the harsh reality...

a lot of work is starting to line up already and i was bombarded by early pain in the ass people who cannot seem to follow possibly the simplest instruction i have given away in my 19 years of existence--call me!

my god! i want to start the sem right for Pete's sake so why dont u do me some favor and cut me some slack!

if you dont wanna be part of this anymore, ill be more than willing to help you find your way out!

God!!!

fucking resume!

2004-11-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

honestly, i might sound stupid but i dnt really know how to make a good one (resume)
bad trip!

untitled

2004-11-15T00:55:00.000-08:00

No one would love me if they knew, all the things I hide. My words fall to the floor as tears drip through the telephone line. And the hands I’ve seen raised to the sky not waving but drowning all this time. Don’t try to build the art of being here. Fell to you upon the crystal sea.

Give me your hand to hold because I can’t stand on love alone. And love alone is not enough to hold us up we’ve got a touch a rope… so swing your rope down low

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Girl: bakit ba kayo ng break?
Boy: kasi may mga bagay sa kanya na dapat baguhin pero hindi nya kayang baguhin
Girl: eh diba kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, tanggap mo dapat yung kabuuan niya? Baka nman ikaw ang kailangang magbago?
Boy: hindi mo ko naiintindihan
Girl: buti alam mo! Talagang hindi kita maintindihan
Boy: kahit kailan, hindi mo ko naintindihan…at kahit kailan, hindi mo ko maiintindihan…

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Girl: ei, bakit ayw mong bumili ng Sun cellular na sim para free call and text? May sim din kasi akong Sun eh.
Boy: ha? Cge bukas try ko bumili.
(next day)
Girl: o ano nakabili ka na?
Boy: hindi ako bumili.
Girl: bakit?
Boy: eh kahit naman bumili ako, hindi parin kita makakausap dahil wala naman yung signal dito
Girl:ay nako nakakainis ka! Bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo!
Boy: bakit ka nagagalit? Eh wala nga ring kwenta kahit bumili ako dahil nga walang signal yun dito.
Girl: ewan ko sayo, bahala ka! Wag mo na akong kausapin kahit kailan!!!

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Life has a way of playing tricks on you. Sometimes you’ll know but oftentimes, you’ll be caught off-guard. Sometimes it has a positive effect. It makes you smile or even laugh but there are times that it breaks your heart and cause you agony and pain. Sometimes it involves just you but every now and then people around you makes it worse or better. Sometimes it comes one at a time, and then suddenly they seem to bombard you all at the same time.

However complicated, simple, obscure, absurd, happy, crappy these pranks are, what’s important is how you deal with it and the kind of person that you’ll turn out to be after the experience.

…People who thinks life is linear are idiots!…

i've got a "FEVER"

2004-11-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

what happened yesterday was:

at long last, after 10 years or so, i was able to get my hands on my tennis racket--and use it at the same time. thanks to my ever expert and forever patient "tennis guru(s)", noelle and ralph. they were SOOOOO kind enough to teach me tennis 101s. as for the "other" player, we can just forget about him (hehehe!..joke lang!)

i had an amazing time playing that i even missed the first day of my super-cool forensic (ala- CSI) class! (as suggested again by the "other" player..BI talaga! :P)

so as i've mentioned, tennis was so much fun! my partner and i won! 6-2 and they all thought i was just a lowly beginner..hahaha!..actually, all credits should go to my super-galing partner ralph. but in fairness to myself, i did have some morsel share of the scores.

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talking about my super-cool forensic (ala-CSI) class, it's so much interesting and exciting and scary all at the same time. for one, it really is ala-CSI.. with all the autopsies and bones and cadavers and solving the "cause of death" part. my best buddy said we are gonna go solve some mysteries over at PGH anytime within the semester. i just hope i get through the semester not the one being autopsied...:P ...it kinda scares the "o-my-god-its-blood-i-think-im-going-to-faint" side of me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay so going to the fever part, i have it! a fever! a deadly fever i got from galle. after lunch with my tennis comrades and some other friends, giselle and i went to galle for some strolling.( it amazed me why i did not feel tired at all after a supposedly strenous game---i guess i just LOVE malls)...so there we were, figuring out what to do to kill the time when we decided to go see a movie. we saw "wicker park" and for the love of God that is where it all started. i was wearing a skirt and it was sooo cold and i just sat there freezing and i started rambling about how hot it was...then realize that it was a fever ... the JOSH FEVER!!!!!!!!!

every single second i went "o my god ang gwapo ni josh!" or "shet ang gwapo nya talaga" even "tangina, i love you josh!"..it was a good thing giselle was on her patient mode. she just laughs everytime i babbled about josh. he's sooo pogi! i swear to God it is a very and i mean VERY good movie. the twist was kinda original for me and i love josh hartnett!

after the movie and a gazillion "o my god ang gwapo ni josh!", we went to and ate at ice monster and to cut the long story short, I LOVE JOSH HARTNETT.

baloney!

2004-11-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

i just finished my brother's (take note: my Brother's) project. i know its a sin to do your sibling's project but i cant help it because he's helpless. my gulay, sisterly love talaga..

classes starts on tuesday..yippiiee!!!

la lang..tinatamad ako magsulat eh..

oh before i forget, never bring your kuya out on a shopping...take my word for it...you'll end up buying nothing good or worst, nothing at all. its either you never looked good in anything you tried on or he's so tired he needs to go home to get some rest. badtrip!

(can't think of any)

2004-11-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

my last entry is the justification of why i think snakes should be totally eradicated from the face of the planet for they serve no good purpose.

anyways, enrollment starts tomorrow and i have to be ready for a gruesome day plus the fact that i only got 3 subjects in the online registration (CRS Sucks!)

but of course on the bright side, i'll be seeing my friends whom i missed a LOT! i had my hair cut earlier today and i now have bangs (again, actually) i dont know if it fits me or what but im just bored with my hair.(ooppsss! i'll have to make sure my hair does not read this for it will surely take this personally..baka magtampo..wehehehe!)

i still cant believe how unproductive and boring my sem break was.. i wasnt even able to go to the beach..SADNESS!! TEARDROP!!! but at least i got some remuneration for getting high grades! yippie!!!

o my god! its thesis time! and im a hundred million percent sure that this will be synonymous to no-sleep-study-till-you-drop-dead-plus-a-major-pimple-break-out-because-of-too-much-stress semester. whew! how exciting!(ahem! sarcasm?!)

o well that's life. and this is the time where life really is a BITCH and people are really gonna be SOOOOO mean (and that will probably include me!)

B--I--A--T--C--H!!!!!!!

in loving memory of a great woman

2004-10-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

August of 1986, my (maternal) grandma was busy picking up Atis in the forest near the house in Batangas when she accidentally stepped on some animal. Unfortunately for her, it was a tiny venomous snake who, naturally after being nearly crushed, bit her by her ankles. It happened early morning and she was brought to the hospital late afternoon where she was declared DOA.

She was kind and very much loved by a lot of people including the barely 1 year old me by then. My mom’s and my aunts’ stories were enough to make me love her and feel sorry for myself for not having met her.

Every all-saints day, I cry. I cry a lot because I was not given the chance to meet her. I talk to her a lot especially if my mom feels depressed. I tell her things, I call to her at times when I hate my mom so much. And it might sound weird but

“… Its like the wind, I can’t see it but I feel it..”
From the movie A Walk to Remember

That’s exactly how I feel. I can’t see her but she just there, listening to me and somehow giving me a reassuring pat on my shoulder when I need it. I guess it’s just one of the things we call “little miracles” of life. Unexplainable but very much comforting, sad but heartening.

halloween na!

2004-10-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

happy halloween everybody! its my favorite holiday! yippiee!!!!

im currently still in my happy mode... happy! happy! happy!

things that i love about halloween includes lotsa horror flicks and scary episodes of some prime time programs. call me weird or whatever but really, i just LOVE halloween..

its the time of the year where people suddenly gets close encounters with the supernaturals. whether true or not, i dont give a damn. i just LOVE halloween..

the ghosts, white lady, tikbalang, kapre, duwende, maligno, zombies, aswangs, patay, kaluluwa, VAMPIRES, witches, black magic...i just LOVE halloween..

I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!

blogger na ako!!!

2004-10-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

wag nalang sanang tignan yung archives ko kasi pareho rin lang naman yun nung nasa live journal ko.. medyo weirdo lang kasi yung ibang fonts naging parang german.. :P

i am happy again! wanna know why?

its becoz, i got my grades already and all my hardworks were paid off pretty generously.

and with this, i would like to thank my sponsors, my family, my fans (!?), my friends and of course my teachers...and myself!

congratulations lorelei logronio for a job well done!
(handshake myself..hug myself..)

bwahahahaha!!!

i was suppose to go to the oktoberfest closing party but i was not able to thats why im here, figuring my way in this new blogger thing!..

my neighbors are actually having their daily dose of "inuman+very, VERY loud and DISTURBING videoke sessions"...i dont know for how long im gonna be able to put up with this "inconsiderates"...

wait! im happy nga pala..cant wait to tell my dad about it..he's not yet home..

so i guess that' s it for the meantime..

"angels and devils"

2004-10-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

"Angels Or Devils"
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about
the things that could make us cold

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs
and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
- come around
I'm always gonna worry about
the things that could break us

if I was to give in - give it up- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold

you know that they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about

the things that could make us cold

-----maganda rin to promise!!!

"a lifetime"

2004-10-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

by Better Than Ezra

Allie woke up 8AM
Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.

When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.

And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

It felt like a lifetime

And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through

You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?

When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.
But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.

When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes,
Three and a half minutes,
Felt like a lifetime.

happy days are here again...

2004-10-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our barkada’s “reunion” part I (sa Friday SANA ang Part II). It was so much fun! After how many months or even years of not seeing each other, grabe sobrang saya talaga. Nandun si mavic, lp, niki, rache, marj, jen and aj. It made me realize how much I miss them. There were other friends who weren’t able to make it. And there’s this one who did not make it because of her boyfriend. Nainis tuloy ako. Not that im being defensive or something but im not pissed because im bitter from the fact that she has a boyfriend. I just hate it that she seems so in love that she cannot even give us a morsel of her time. Maybe im just over reacting but the thing is, minsan lang naman to every year. We meet for like an average of twice a year or the most at 5 times. And for the other 359 and a half days, kanya-kanya ulit so ganon ba kahirap na magbigay ng time for your friends. Okay fine so your parents still think you’re 15 years old or something pero bakit when it comes to your boyfriend, nakakagawa ka ng paraan? Kahit hindi nalang para sakin kasi we spend some time naman together on our own, pero para sa buong barkada. You would always tell me how much you want to see them and guess what, NEWSFLASH! You just missed your chance. And I hate that you were not able to make it!

Im sorry to sound so “over” pero naiinis lang talaga ako.

Back to the happy part, happy kasi nag-enjoy kami pero hindi kami gumastos. We just stayed in our friends’ house and nagkwentuhan, and nanood ng feng shui. It was scary pero I had na an idea about the whole plot kaya medyo hindi nako natakot. I just wish we could do this more often. But the thing is, I myself am a self-confessed “busy-as-a-bee” person kaya mahirap din.

Pero in the long run, its true na it doesn’t matter how often you see each other. What matters is how you spend whatever time you have with them. And im just genuinely HAPPY that I still have them in my life. We have been through a lot and I just hope there’s more to learn, experience and go through with each other.

just thinking out loud

2004-10-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

I was in my usual drab self when suddenly there was an influx of random thoughts. So haphazard that I could not even make a clear sense out of them. I thought of my friend, the party last night, my parents, my future, my ex-boyfriend, the coming semester, my thesis topic… and a lot more… they were all jumbled and incoherent and then the question popped up…

Is my life as chaotic as my thoughts were?

Those thoughts were mere reflections of my life. The people I love, the people I care about, the things that I do, I like, I hate, I fear, I worry about …

I hate this feeling, the feeling of uncertainty. The state of not knowing what will and what will not happen. Its makes me feel like whatever it is that I am doing is worthless for tomorrow or even the next minute or hours could drastically change anything and it will somehow be beyond my control. Which brings me to the next queries…

Are we really in control of our own lives? Does our decision matter in the over all scheme of things?

Are my life, and the lives of all the other single walking creature in the planet like a telenovela? May plot, script, antagonists, climax and may ending of course.Is it something all planned out? I know I might sound so stupid for this is already a rhetoric question asked by almost every one. But then, I hate to wonder about the answers for I know it is something I could never find out. Or maybe I could but I would not really know would I?

I guess that really is life- a pool of questions and a state of ambiguity.

And this is me, a little “No-Nobody” (as I believe myself to be) trying to make the most of her life. And although there are times that I am not satisfied with what’s in it, I just think, “there are other people who does not even HAVE a LIFE” and then I’ll be okay.

"…And I can breathe a hurricane and still be standing tall when all the dust had settled down…"

--I just wish I were this strong…

drunk (kinda) and wasted (certified)

2004-10-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

im here over at a friend's house because it's her birthday and we're all drunk and wasted. sayang lang pauwie's not here masaya sya.. i was able to breathe fresh air..i havent been out of the house for the last few days and i was sad because i missed our sem-ender gmik in EK..and SOME people were there..my golly! i was crying so hard because i really felt so bad. nakakainis talaga!!! i have some other entries that is in my file at home. i'll be posting it when i get the chance to load up my net.

maraming senti don..wehehehe..got nothing much to say..as ive mentioned, im kinda not sober so you'd have to bear with me.im bored..to death..all we did was talk "sex-talk". my friends seem to be the experts when it comes to those things..making me feel left-out or something...but hey! if i know i cant be responsible for something, i wont dare do it..i am a self-confessed stubborn but someone who makes sure she can face the consequences...hahaha..but i love my friends and i respect them..their old enough to know what they are getting themselves into..anyways..enough of the semi-sermon/preaching and ill be working on some other stuffs..

ciao

sadness, teardrop

2004-10-20T01:28:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe this! She pushed me away!… in my first attempt to actually comfort her, she pushed me away. I was mad in a split second but the madness faded and all I felt was pity. She was crying so hard while she uttered of life being so hard. Life is indeed so hard these days and the last thing she needed were insults and profanities. I wanted so much to storm that bitch’s house. She has no right to do this to her. She has no right to make her cry and feel so bad like she did. At the same time I felt helpless. I couldn’t just come up to her and start howling about how much of a bitch she is…

I gave up and retreated to my room… crouched at the farthest corner of my bed and cried. I cried like anytime my tears would run out. I cried so hard feeling so useless and pathetic. I couldn’t even do something to make everything better for this family. I cried and did something I have neglected for a long time.

I talked to Him and asked for a miracle. I felt ashamed for this is what I’m good at- asking. I only remember Him in times like this but I really had no choice. There was no one to turn to. Until now i'm hoping He’d hear our pleas and prayers…

sadness, teardrop

2004-10-20T01:27:00.000-07:00

sobrang wala lang..

2004-10-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how sometimes things, people, events, places and feelings seem to be so dual. They mean or represent one thing and mean or represent another. I am listening to this song that has a happy tune but is actually a very sad song. It makes me so sad just listening to it…

Its like i’m happy and sad at the same time. How is that possible? Some of my friends would probably use the argument that “happiness” is a social construct, or a state of mind or its just simply what it is—Happiness.

Back to this song, it’s “a lifetime” by better than Ezra. …

Lately I have this fetish for alternative /rock genres of music. The likes of dishwalla, hoobastank!!!, jars of clay and our lady peace…wala lang.:P

It helps me ease out every time I am annoyed or irritated. And it happens most of the time.

I hate to be here! Every single move is scrutinized. And I have like 2 more freakn weeks..Oh so help me god…

Hirap talaga pag wala kang pera, d ka mkaalis sa bahay.. makes me regret being such a spendthrift! I spent my supposed sem break allowance already…argh!!!!

This calls for divine intervention..please help me out of this living hell! Good god!

updating my journal..

2004-10-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

tangina! 3 subject lang nakuha ko sa CRS!

badtrip!..

but that would mean i have to use a pink slip..hahaha!!!.sana lang maayos sked ko noh! langiya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eto nalang..favorite song ko for the moment

"Somewhere In The Middle"

by dishwalla

I was out the other day

and I saw you in your big black car

and I was waving as you were passing

cause I know who you are

you had this look that of an angel

it was such a bad disguise

did you think for second I would not realize

tripping hard falling down onto the ground

cause I can't stand upand I can't fall down

cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

I was out the other night

and I saw you so we had a fight

it was late and I was lonely

and its such a long way home

so I asked you if you'd join me

for a single last call drink

so you turned and bought us 2

and you didn't even blink

you had this look that of an angel

it was such a bad disguise

when you drink it makes you angry

when I drink I want you more and more and more

tripping hard falling down onto the ground

cause I can't stand upand I can't fall down

and I'm somewhere in the middle of this

well I find it hard

I always tried to find the sane life

but I don't like the way things are

and I keep falling to my knees

somewhere in the middle of this

back to normal

2004-10-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I literally turned my room upside down. I cleaned it and heaped a bagful of dusts and trashes. There were stuffs that had no use so I threw them out. I even rearranged the furniture.

It was exhausting but the results were worth it. I can now breathe fresh air…?!

That’s a check on my to-do list

Other things to accomplish includes:

1. Buying a big photo album for my pictures and have it filled with pics from places I’ve been to.
2. Starting my “mall scrapbook” an idea suggested by none other than----dyandyararan!!!!! MAGEL!… I thought of all the malls i've been to and for the record, I was able to list 28 malls…
3. I still intend to go to the beach though I have no idea where but still, I cannot let this break pass without plunging into one.
4. Have my hair changed (maybe cut it, curl it, rebond it or whatever...still not sure on this one anyway)
5. Go out with friends…. there have been a lot of offers but the thing is, I still don’t have my money...argh!!!
6. Buy “blood canticle” and “Pandora” by Anne rice…I finished reading “Vittorio” after five days...now I need more to read...
7. do my "state-of-d-art-art-attack" project..an accessory shelf of some sort..i finished painting the interior part of it..yehey!

Whatelse, whatelse…

That’s it for the meantime…

.....

2004-10-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with him on my mind…. chum…my chum, I used to call him. We were never really friends, just acquainted with each other. When we got together, it was suppose to be a secret because my cousin liked him a lot. We both thought she’d be crushed if she found out which eventually she did. And she understood and said it wasn’t such a big deal for her for it was merely admiration that she felt for him.

As the saying goes, just when you thought everything is fine, the sooner you’ll find out that its not.

3 weeks…

3 weeks of being in love…

and after that, I was broken… my heart, my mind, my entirety was broken

Now after 2 years and 5 months, why do I still feel the same? In love and broken…

There were other guys, other boyfriend, a hundred other crushes… some of them wanted me, some loved me and even wanted me back. But why is it always you who I want to want me, to love me and ask me back?

You affect me but you don’t know… I feel for you but you’re dense…I care about you but you couldn’t care less…

For solace and comfort I tell myself that one day…one day I will love again…more than I loved you… and that someone will be there to want me…to love me… and never let go of me.

WANTED!

2004-10-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

the sem has officially ended! YIPIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant believe my prof gave me a 1.75 for Pan Pil 17! and i thought he was the devil...

my problem now is i am stuck at home which is not a good idea by the way..not unless i find some place to to go to..

batangas--my mom and my aunt is in a "not-so-good" terms
bicol-----if i want to gain another 200++ pounds..why not?!
baguio----my cousins back there are probably busy with their own stuffs
romblon---if i go there, and a storm stirs up, i would probably be able to come back by the year 2010

my mom even suggested i go to giselle's in Quezon..my god! kakahiya kaya!

i think this calls for an advertisement:

WANTED:

good, kind hearted persons willing to adopt lei panda for at least 2 weeks...

waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you!

2004-10-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

You make me come

You make me complete

You make me completely miserable

By Filter

Exactly the lines that can describe how I feel for you right now. What makes you think im stupid not to know if I am being ostracized? You! Among all other people!? You ungrateful bastard!

I hope you fucking rot in hell!

NEWSFLASH! I am a sensitive person so naturally, I would know.

If you hate me...guess what.. I hate you a billion gazillion times more!Remember this day when you brought forth my wrath upon you…you bawdy jerk!

I hate you! I loathe you! I abhor you!

woohooooooo!!!!!!

2004-10-13T01:35:00.000-07:00

last night i had sooooo much fun! i went to star city with a couple of friends and it felt like i was back to being 5 years old or something...honestly, madaming jologs but i was not there for the people but for the rides!!

i actually rode the zyclone loop..yah know..d roller coaster with d loop!! a LOOP! hahaha!

i was so scared at first but hell, after the 1st ride, i just couldnt get enough of it anymore.

there were lots of other cool rides plus 4 horror houses..i had a lot of fun..as in i was happy..so very happy!!

i also finished everything (papers i mean)today...so happy! happy happy!

just another ordinary day (with mild hallucinations)

2004-10-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

i just saw my other friends' blogs and suddenly i feel like i have the worst blog type/format/kind/whatever...ganda nung kanila..with the drawings and everything..makes me regret sleeping in my H.S. computer class..argh!

i am done with half of my CD 126 paper part!! rejoice! rejoice!..

funny because my brother and i were strolling down memory lanes a while ago and we remembered the jologs songs we use to sing..there's this chant in the tune of the transformers theme song:

transformer, umutot si prime

naamoy ni megatron

kumain ng turon

we were laughing our hearts out. nakakadire! sobrang jologs!....hahahaha!..parang ayoko na tuloy ng turon...la lang..

by the way, im beginning to hate this one person..a total asshole!...given the chance to see that ass, i am gonna strangle that person till that person pleads and begs me to stop!..GRRRRRR......

i was sitting in front of the computer screen the entire afternoon but i was not able to type anything until late last night (its AM already ryt?!)...and my god, belive it or not, i felt like i was sitting on the sea shore with the sand and everything and i was seeing the ocean...vast, blue green and clear ocean!!!

i am on vacation mode already!i badly wanted to get to a bus and go somewhere with beach....

wwww.....a.a.a...ttt.t..t..e.eee.ee...rrr.r..r.r..!!...!!..!..!...

ddd.d..d.d..d..a.a...a.aa.a...ggg...gg.g.g...a.a.a.a...t.t.t.t.ttttt!.!.!.!.!.!!!!...

sadness parin pero slight na lng..

2004-10-10T01:19:00.000-07:00

im still mad..but not that much anymore..i got to watch sharktale with my bestfriend..sobrang cute ni lenny the shark!!!!! (hell!, naalala ko, leni din pangalan nung nasa SRO..GRRRR!!!!!..sana kainin sya ng shark!)..and i bought "Vittorio" by Anne Rice..hehe! the renaissance vampire!! hanggg cute!..tapos naglagas kami ng 160 pesos for the vampire-shooting game sa timezone..sira ung house of the dead eh.. pero astig din un..syempre vampire eh!!!

i really cant figure out whats with vampires that i find so interesting...aside from being immortals and rich and sobrang handsome..they are simply mysterious and sexy!

syempre if u ask me if i want to be one, id say yes!...and i'll be counting like dracula diba..(corny!..tangina MATH pa! counting eh..)

from sharks to vampires..what do they have in common???...sharp teeth..wala lang..may canine teeth din ako...wehehehe!

nonsense na ulit to...ill go ahead for i have to retreat to my sarcophagus..the sun is fast rising!!!!...bwahahahahaha!!!! (e 1:30 am palang?!..ang jologs talaga!)---------------

sadness...

2004-10-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

today was a roller coaster day! one minute i was happy and relieved (because we got a special citation by my prof for our superb case presentation--dapat lang noh! we definitely deserve it!) plus i got exempted in our anthro final exam slated on monday 7-9 PM!!! yipieeee!!! (after waiting for 3 hours i think i deserve that too!)...and then the part where the roller coaster "dives" down..FAST!...just when i thought everything was all planned out and smooth..tska ko malalaman na hindi pala...

here i go again with my rantings but this time, it aint about some !@#$%^&* profs but the whole fucked up system of processing grades or requirements or whatever shit u might want to call it.

i just found out that the admin wont be credeting my math 17 as a GE under MST domain..what kind of a twisted thing is that? MATH 17!!! something that i worked hard for...a subject where i literally shed my blood and tears...something that i exerted TOO MUCH EFFORT upon..and now they're telling me na kumuha nalang ako ng math 1..PUTANGINA!!! MATH 1!!!! ang math na nakakabobo...i promised myself that i will never and i meant NEVER set my foot on that forsaken grounds again! tapos ngayon pinapakuha nila ako ng MATH 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whats wrong with u pipol?

pinaghirapan ko yun..(*cries*)..pinagpuyatan..(*sniffs*)..kinareer ko prof ko dun!..(*wipes tears*)...nagpa-acetate ako ng 2 chapter ng Vance..colored pa para makapasa lang..(*cries ulit*)..tapos sasabihin nila na hindi ic-credit!!! MGA PUTANGINA KAYONG LAHAT!!!!!!!

it was your responsibility to inform students about these kinds of things..dont fucking tell me that you always had the checklist every enrollment...that fucking checklist is in the hands of the advisers and NOT in us, the students so how the hell were we suppose to know that RGEP did not necessarily mean we are FREE to choose WHATEVER subject we like as long as it is in the same domain?!?!?!?

hindi pa nakontento..dinagdagan pa problema ko...i took econ 11 under the SSP domain and those fuckers placed them under electives..so fine, i figured i couldn't do anything to change it..i took anthro courses as my other electives..now they tell me that they scrapped econ 11 because it is a GE subject under SSP so i now lack another elective subject....PUTANGINA TALAGA KAYO!!!

i had no faults in these mishaps...but why am i the one to suffer?ako na tong nasayangan ng pera ako pa itong kailangan magadjust sa putanginang policies nila!! more than the money, i invested time and effort in those subjects...tapos bale wala din pala...wag naman sanang ganon..tapos sila pa may ganang mag taray kahit ako na ung nagpapakumbaba well in fact i should be fuming mad...i was actually, but i cannot just punch them as much as i wanted to...

badtrip talaga..so where does that leave me?.. if this does not come clean through the math department..im doomed! welcome to "MATH 1- sure-kang-mabobobo-at-masisiraan-ng-ulo" class!!!!!...and kailangan ko nanamang magsummer para ontime ako..

NAPAKAUNFAIR!!..im a "normal" student meaning hindi ako nagloko or nagpabaya with my acads kasi i wanted to be ontime or even finish earlier kaya ako sana nagsummer..so y is this happening to me? nagpakatino ako dahil ayoko ng complications na ganito...complications that never would have happened if those motherfuckers were doing their job of constantly updating students' records or checklists. my god!!

gusto ko tuloy pasabugin buong UP..Badtrip!...

grrrrr!!!!!!

2004-10-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

i was like fuming mad yesterday and u wanna know why? i hadn't had my sleep for more than 24 hours and then we had our CD 131 presentation and it went fairly well but when i went to get my standing for anthro, we waited for almost 3 hours for nothing!!!!

i cant believe that @#$%^&*! held us up for nothing...we were there from 2 in the afternoon and even came across Mikki who happens to be his student in one of his other classes. other students started coming and he even let them in first! so we were there, outside his faculty room sitting in the floor until our butts hurt and then we stood up and walked around and talked about crazy,corny stuffs and i was getting hungry and impatient and sleepy already when he went out and said he has to go na!....mother fucker! i was at the brink of yelling when i still somehow got a hold of myself and told him "sir we were here since 2!?"...and he goes like.. "im sorry but this is the best that i can do for the meantime...u're 165 right? i might finish checking ur papers by tomorrow"

WHAT THE FUCK! He's still not done yet?! then why the hell were we there?....i was about to cry because i was soooooo MAD!!! and yet i know that i cannot just punch him in the face or something...my god!

and then one of my "nasty-know-all" classmate started saying something like "e bakit naman ako kahapon, i waited for about an hour pero hindi naman ako nagreklamo!.."

GRRRRRRRRRR....... i wanted so much to look back (because she was behind me..) and like tell her "putangina mo..wala akong pakialam kung nandito ka at naghintay ka ng 1 oras kahapon mother fucker!"

a certified BITCH if i may say! my gosh!

i had no problems with the prof whatsoever but he really got into my nerve yesterday...i was in the MRT but still was ranting to giselle and was saying things like "putangina talaga..badtrip..nakakainis..wala pakong tulog..gutom nako...tapos yun pala hindi pa nya tapos checkan..e di sana cnabi nya ng maaga para d tau naghintay sa wala..tangina badtrip!" and the people there were looking..

but hell..im ok na! at least napasa ko paper ko...

yippiiieee!!

2004-10-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

its 5:32 in the morning and i haven't had my sleep yet. i have a presentation at exactly 8:30 am today and i am wondering how im going to keep myself up for the next couple of hours. my eyes are getting heavier..

i just finished my 2 paper requirements...a million more to go and im done for this sem!

its excruciating! my god!

but at least i can comfort myself with the thought that a million more papers and its over..hayy buhay...remember my new crush? he's history...i hit my head hard the other day and to my surprise, i despise him already..

but hey, that's life..what can i do, i am a girl..fickle minded u might say but to hell with what you say, i dont think i could care less anyway..

i need some stress tabs!!!!

2004-09-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

2 more fucking weeks and it's suppose to be over already but why the hell can't they give us a fucking break?!..teachers can really have this tendency to abuse whatever sort of power they have over us, their students by prolonging our agony..i cant believe this!..i abhor them!..i hate all of them!...maybe teachers are really the devil dressed up as a pseudo-professional with a considerable amount of knowledge "kuno" with a intelligence quotient of above average "kuno"...and everything.....

or maybe its just us who are actually angels from above brought down to help other people in their sufferings by having ourselves educated for a decent and good paying job in the future so we could give some parts of it to the less-fortunate....

my golly...what am i saying?

oh by the way, to the new crush of my life...i still think of you...(for those who know him already, kadire ba? better keep your mouths shut or so help me God...hehe!:)

last two episodes na ng One tree hill...wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

before i forget, wanna know why i need some stress tabs?-----duh!? obviously, im stressed....as in stressed raised to the nth power....but hey! two more fucking freaking weeks right?!(translation--2 raised to 2, so that's 4 more fucking freakn weeks)....

im sorry to all my friends if it seems like im ignoring you or have totally forgotten you..it's so not like that at all..i want to actually hang out with you guys because i miss you already but the "devils" wont let me have my break at all..i really dont want to go anywhere far this sem break so that we could all catch up and party or something...so please if you have plans, count me in okei!?

okay, back to my rantings..(that was a quick commercial break brought to you by...)

i am at lost for words....my laptop is fucked up! my gosh..i stayed up til 5 in the morning to burn MP3s for my fucking laptop but its not working!!!! damn!

im sorry for my terms but i feel like saying them so whoever reads this has to deal with it... :P

is this love?..

2004-09-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

i cant stop thinking about you..my god...ano nanaman ba ito? what have i gotten myself into...funny kasi d mo naman alam...and i dont even think you could care less...i know you have a problem...siguro love is the last thing on your mind right now after everything that happened..i wish i could help you..i want to help you because i've been there and i know how it feels...if you only let me help you...

siguro nga may mga taong tanga...they can never realize the value of what they have...habang may ibang mga tao na wala...my golly..im starting to sound so cheezy..ano ba tong ginawa mo sakin?...

i feel so happy and scared at the same time...how is that possible? im happy because i found an inspiration...someone who can unconsciously drag me out of bed and wake me up..someone who makes me smile even when im alone..someone who gives me a reason..(uy...hoobastank!)..and im scared at the same time because we're different..and i dont know you enough just yet..i dont know your favorite food, your parent's name or your brothers or sisters(i dont even know if you have any)...hayyy buhay...i dont even know kung anong type ng girls ang gusto mo!!!!!!!!!!!

WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i might be stout, short, morena, 4-eyed, a peasant, not so smart, gullible, moody, maarte.....pero mabait din naman ako eh...(yak..am i starting to sound desperate or something?..kadire ah!)...siguro sometimes, being alone gets the best of me..pero still, i think about you and i think i like you..and GOD!!!..i think about you...when can i see you again...i hope..i wish..and i pray...it would be soon...kasi nga I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU!!!!....PUTANGINA NAKAKAINIS na tuloy..!!!!!!!!!!

leche! this is like getting a big boulder (the size of mt. apo siguro) throwing it up,up into the air...and positioning myself right under it's path.....i sound stupid..and childish...e pero ganun eh..maloloko ko ba self ko?!...pag ganon, then i'll really be an embodiment of stupidity in it's strictest sense...

o my godness, great dragonballs of fire!!!!!!!!

wehehe..

2004-09-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

(original title nito "wahaha" but then, going through my previous entries, this is like the nth time i used it as a title...ang LOSER!!!! :) )

chiggy and i were about to ride the MRT when a guy (a scary fat one actually) started talking to us...FEELING CLOSE!...yuck!..

anyways, i just finished my anthro exam today and im pretty sure i sucked..why? because half of it was unanswered. why? because i dont know the answer..bummer!

barely 3 more weeks to go but it still seems endless..whenever i highlight something from my to-do list, i always end up adding one or two more to-do things..o well that's life..

one tree hill just keeps on getting better every episode! i love nathan! the OC is just fine but im beginning to really hate ryan for being such a jerk and an idiot.

ahhhhh! i remember i have to get yza a gift...im a bit clueless on what to get her...and its also my bro's bday on the 8th of oct..poor thing..i drove him out of the room last night because i was suppose to review but alas! i fell asleep...

random thoughts....random thoughts.....random thoughts.....im not so bitchy....not so cranky...not so..(wala akong maisip na rhyming word....kainis!)

wait a minute...some of my other friends can read my blog and even had it linked to their blog but i cant read theirs....(*shrug ng shoulders*)

omygosh! thesis na next sem.....im panicking! im panicking!..OA!

this is so nonsense....at least im not ranting...:)

ciao!

wahaha

2004-09-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

im seeing my long lost friend in a couple of hours...i havent seen her since highschool pa yata..may baby na cya and ninang daw pla ako! ang saya saya!

acads--still sucks big time! here's the proof:
anthro 165---10 page paper, research lower gods of mythology, final exams
cd 131---paper with presentation, transect map, resource map of brgy. holy spirit(e ang laki non!)
anthro 123---loooooonnngggg exam, project presentation, project output( diary, fieldnotes,cd, tape, script, pictures)
cd 126---training, area visit sa TONDO PUTANGINA!!!...gagastos ng 60/person sa fieldtrip eh 30+ yata lahat.., may TNA pa, Training design
cd 111---putanginang case study yan!, VMG, Outline and summary, finals(sana wala na!)
others---docu sa sandugo, assessment sa laiban field at ang completion ko ng pan pil 19 sa baklang prof ko!

marami ba yan or what?!

nagpunta kami nung weekend sa tanay for our case study and anthro project..we were suppose to do research on the dumagats pero nasa bundok daw sila so mga remontados nalang or ung mga half-half..malayo sya grabe and talagang rough road... pero dude, breath-taking ang ilog...it was so clear kaya syempre ako, bilang isang naturally addicted sa water, naligo kami and guess what, may mga tumatawid din doon kasi on the other side ay quezon province na cya....sa sierre madre mountains nga pla ung area..kaya natural puro bundok pero malamig at malinis hangin..so going back to my story, mababaw lang ung water kaya nakaupo lang kami nila chig and pam..e may dumaang horsy..ang putanginang kabayo...TUMAE ba naman! e syempre ung current ng tubig papunta samin so tilian kami and dalidaling tumayo...BADTRIP! tawa ng tawa ung mga tao....pero astig talaga, kahit ganon lang kasimple ang buhay(wlang kuryente, generator lang), mababait mga pipol...tapos nung pauwi, sa bubong kami ng jeep sumakay! ang astig promise! tapos nung nasa highway na, sa tapat ng isang church, may biglang tumawid na old man biglang preno...nalaglag ung girl sa harap namin..kawawa naman...as in rumolyo sya na parang tumbling na ewan basta nabalian cya in short...

to sum it all up, it was so tiring kasi nga malayo tapos coke, sprite and royal ang aming inumin for 2 days..pero masaya, marami kaming natutunan..it was indeed a humbling experience and makes me appreciate more what i have now...we are still lucky..

i am so dead!

2004-08-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

i feel bad kasi i havent written anything good in this journal just yet. puro reklamo and rants and that is what i am suppose to write now...dami ko problema...nanay at tatay ko, ang daming utang...kuya ko, minsan tarantado...at yang putanginang katulong na yan na abusada palibhasa 10 years na sya samin and we treat her as part of the family...awayin daw ba nanay ko..e di nakatikim cya ng bagsik ko...i yelled at her face and even asked her to go back to the hell she came from...i was nasty, i admit and even mean for that matter but no one messes with my family..

sa acads, putang ina rin. i am getting burned out with all the school work that i have to finish and it is just not fair to be doing it alone or with just 2-3 other friends..masyado na kmeng mabait kung aakuin na namin lahat...e kung wag kaya ako kumilos? may mangyayari kaya sa group natin? i understand you guys have other stuffs to attend to rin and i rspect that..but like you, i have other things to think about to...i am sick! and im scared that if i dont recover my normal heartbeat and i dont normalize my pulse rate and i dont get to be ok in two weeks, im so DEAD!...

i brokedown last saturday after seeing pauwie and mimi in mega mall. i was standing for the longest time i can remember, watching aj whip up some tuna dishes.i had'nt had breakfast and we had our lunch a little after 5 yata in the afternoon. i was not feeling well already so i asked pau if we could go home na.the moment i got home, i lied down and i couldnt breathe and i started to feel so weak i couldnt get up to even pee until sunday afternoon.. my mom went ballistic and started feeding me chocolates to bring back sugar in my body. all were scared because its not the first time i collapsed..

we went to the doctor yesterday and she now have me under observation for two weeks..low blood ako, abnormal pulse rate, faint heartbeat and still weak...i need vitamins and a lot of fluids..if things dnt get better, ill have an ECG...they have to check if my heart's ok...

if given the chance, they would see what's inside it..all the anger, bitterness,disappointment and all the hurting that only me and my tiny little heart can feel...the last thing i need is to be sick..marami nakong problema..ayoko na madagdagan kaya please...wag nyo na dagdagan....i dont wanna die just yet....

smiggle for a day

2004-08-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

smiggle meaning golum meaning schitzo(to hell with the spelling)....why so? kasi nabubuysit ako sa mga tibak at nabubuysit ako sa mga elite..mga putangina tayo lahat!

why is life so unfair? why do some people seem to have everything while there are others who does not have anything at all? bkit ibang tao sampu cars while others cant even afford a screw in your car parts..talagang SCREW YOU!!!

mga tibakers naman, la na napunang maganda sa life..lahat nlang may mali...ultimong restaurant sa skul, kinokondena..kapitalista daw..

and i hate it so much when other pipol(tibak people) starts to expect something from me if ever we start to work with each other.i can never be in front of rallies and mobs until i deem it VERY and i mean VERY necessary. i am not over reacting or anything..that's how things work...and putang ina i hate it talaga!

wahahahaha

2004-08-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

i just finished answering my take home exam due 3 hours ago. i missed my class to finish answering 12 questions amounting to about 8 pages of answers.darn! my brain cells are now slowly deteriorating..

last time i mentioned an ass right? well now he's mad because i denied him the nth chance..guess im just tired of it already. i does not feel right anymore so why waste time? time is gold ryt? and i aint got that much gold im my life.

im getting a little (and i mean just a little only)hooked up in this journal thinggy but net access at home is busted. badtrip noh? well, ryt now im not really cranky or even in a grumpy mode. not happy rin naman..i guess im relieved kasi one down and several others to go!

gusto ko na magtennis. the other day, i was all geared up and toying my racket and imagining i was on a wimbledon tournament or something then my bro suddenly stormed in and gave me the weirdest look...the look of a frustrated-bitter tennis player i guess..

im at a friends house right now and wala lang..

yesterday i came to a realization that i havent been to the tambayan for the last two weeks i think..pipol in UNESCO myt be missing me already(i wish- hahahaha!)and omygod, i badly want that sony cybershot digi cam! i wonder who could help me earn at least 15,000...i want a part time job..im starting to consider grave yard shift in some call centers but im scared it myt affect my studies the way my previous part time job did..which reminds me of an incomplete i have yet to complete..i hate the prof! that gay-GAY! kainis..

well..battery empty na head ko..

toot-toot-toot....

---------------dead--------------

rant,rant,rant

2004-08-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been a blast!(i mean it the other way around..like BLAST!-KABOOM!)..i am fucked up...big time!..funny because i dont think anyone can read this just yet but still it feels good to have someone(in this case its a someTHING) to talk to or pour your heart out to..that i think is the purpose of a journal or a diary or whichever way you might want to call it whether it be an old flaky notebook or a lifetime supply of yellow pad or if it needs an internet connection or whatever!?..the thing is it helps a lot in making you feel ok..at least you wont hear it screaming back at you if you told "it" that you just did the stupidest thing ever!(like considering to give a total asshole a second chance)..or you wont be eliciting irritating reactions to the stuffs you're mumbling about..argh!!!lost my track..anyways, all im saying is that life sometimes SUCKS and what makes it SUCKIER is if you have no one to listen to your rants and raves and help you go through with life's shits..i guess in the end, all you have is yourself to help you out..shifting the topic to another gear...let me rant about some stuffs...i have a lot of questions....so many that i cant figure out who to ask or how to even formulate the questions..like where is GOD or is there really any?and why the fucking hell lucas and peyton cant be together?!?!?!?(one tree hill, ETC tuesdays 8pm)..and why do we have to go to college? why do we have to have a family? or why is there a thing such as "friends" or..why the fuck am i not making any sense?!!!????i wanna cry but for sure i'll look insane and then everyone in this computer shop would be looking and calling some help or people from the mental institution nearby...Damn!...i have got an exam due on tuesday and a midterm this friday and i seem to have lost my comprehension skills...reviewing is like reading some greek text or ancient scrolls..i dont get them!...i just miss my org's GA because i am so not myself....PUTANGINA!!!!guess kung anong background music dito? pirated version ng "HEY YAH" by outcast..ang kumakanta--babaeng chipmunk!!! mother fucker!now i want to really laugh my heart out...shet...cant take this anymore...i think im going nuts....the coconut-nut is a giant nut if u eat too much u get very fat..y not, tsoknat?!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!im out--

a day at the circle

2004-08-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

QC circle has always been synonymous to motels, call boys and one night stand...funny because i was there the whole day..doing some sort of fieldwork for a major subject...going through the rigorous task of jotting down notes from a conference on indigenous people without even the assurance of remuneration...crazy ryt?..id say yes to thatafter a terrible headache,they called it a day so we decided to roam around while we wait for the fetcher to arrive..there were lots of people justifying the various names of the place..what we did was to lie down the grass and have some sort of chitchat..with the "alive-alive" music on the background..everyone was jumping and clapping and dancing and acting crazy..i never really understood those people...much as i never really understood myself and truckloads of other things..

Life's a bitch, people are mean

the dark moment...

happy birthday to me!

oh its valentines again..

losing another great man

i would really, REALLY do anything..

nursing a bruised ego..

snippets of thoughts from a twisted mind

distorted and happy,numb but bothered

LIME

lei, think endorphins

how am i suppose to make you understand?

the greatest man in my life

im so excited..and i just cant hide it....

wala akong maisip na title kaya untitled nalang

some random blah-blahs..

keeping the backstreet pride alive!

lei, pilipinas...game ka na ba?

i bruise easily...so be gentle when you handle me!

oh.my.god!

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just a little bit..

PE's a Bitch, Professors are mean!

DARN! DARN! DARN!

long time,no write

a happy birthday..yehey!!!

tick,tack,tick,tack.....KABOOM!!!!

every one is invited.....

hoh!..hohoho...hoh!hoh!hoh!hoh!hoh!....merry christmas!!!!!

hah!..hahaha...hahahahaha!!

dogoink!

please dont tell me its over..

me, myself and my WORLD

please listen...to what im not saying

....

idiot-proof geology class

me..

new year thinggie

sorry

the stubBORN diva

how dare you!

gosh reunion part II

?@#$%^&*!!!!

of lanterns and old people

oh its crying time again..

backdated entry #2

some backdated entries..# 1

hhhaaaannggg corny!

here we go again

inhale...........(*holds breath for about 10 years*).............exhale

aaarrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lei-lei,buffoon!

...

the grinch

another one of those weird days

the foam party!

fucking resume!

untitled

i've got a "FEVER"

baloney!

(can't think of any)

in loving memory of a great woman

halloween na!

blogger na ako!!!

"angels and devils"

"a lifetime"

happy days are here again...

just thinking out loud

drunk (kinda) and wasted (certified)

sadness, teardrop

sadness, teardrop

sobrang wala lang..

updating my journal..

back to normal

.....

WANTED!

you!

woohooooooo!!!!!!

just another ordinary day (with mild hallucinations)

sadness parin pero slight na lng..

inhale...........(holds breath for about 10 years).............exhale